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Writing Samples
Band 6

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant You should write at least 150 words. Writing Task 1

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant You should write at least 150 words. Writing Task 1
#show #percentage #time #adults #activities #country #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 adults' working hours as percentages of a country as
devided
Correct your spelling
divided
 into six
catogories
Correct your spelling
categories
 in 1958 and 2008. When studying 1958, almost one in third of
people
Use synonyms
 had been working during 32% of individuals allocated for sleeping which was the second highest
propotion
Correct your spelling
proportion
 of
time
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the minimum amount is 2% and that was for commuting for their jobs
while
Linking Words
 6% and 8% for playing sports and
ralaxing
Correct your spelling
relaxing
 at home respectively. Not only them but 19% of them had been going out with their lovings.
In contrast
Linking Words
, in 2008 there is a huge elevation
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 working
time
Use synonyms
 because
that is
Linking Words
incates
Correct your spelling
indicated
as
Change preposition
by
show examples
 42% and
that is
Linking Words
 9%
upword
Correct your spelling
upward
 than
pevious
Correct your spelling
previous
 year whilst
7
Correct article usage
a 7
show examples
% reduction
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 sleeping.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 had to spend 8% of
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
road
Correct article usage
the road
show examples
although
Linking Words
 they spend
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 amount
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 sports activities.
In addition
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 preferred to sleep than in 1958 and they
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
spent only 6% of
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside visiting.
This
Linking Words
 pie
charts
Change the determiner
chart
show examples
 presents that how much
time
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 allocate
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 working and for
concerningb
Correct your spelling
concerning
 their own and
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their family.
However
Linking Words
,
both
Change preposition
in both
show examples
 years,
people
Use synonyms
 work more than the other activities
Submitted by shanikanir86 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, that is".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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