IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people get into debt by buying things they don't need and can'f afford. What are the reasons for this behavior? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?

#people #debt #f #behavior #action
Unfortunately
Add a comma
,Unfortunately
show examples
 our world lately became very materialistic.
People
over use
Correct your spelling
overuse
show examples
credit
 cards to buy goods that they don't really need and
thet
Correct your spelling
that
 they cannot actually afford. In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
this
 behaviour is a consequence of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media and the fact that
people
 are
to
Correct your spelling
too
show examples
 worried about other
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 thoughts.
Firstly
, with the advent of social platforms
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 Tik Tok and Instagram,
people
 in general are much more under
eye
Correct article usage
the eye
show examples
 than before. So, everyone feels like they have to act as influencers and show that they have an amazing life. The problem is that most of the
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 they cannot afford
this
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
, so they abuse
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
credit
 cards, keeping accumulating debts that hardly they would pay back on time.
Moreover
, with
this
 behaviour, these
people
 will get to a point where they are full of
debts
Fix the agreement mistake
debt
show examples
. With a really low
credit
 score, they will not be able to afford the
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 that they
were use
Change the verb form
were used
were using
show examples
 to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
. My suggestion is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Banks should not allow everyone to have
credit
 cards, or in the case they have good credentials, check constantly on them. As soon they start to put back the money too late, block the
founds
Correct your spelling
funds
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 until they
restor
Correct your spelling
restore
 the account. Avoiding them to spend too much money which they don't actually own. So, I truly believe that
this
 pathetic behaviour
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 from the reality that
people
, in the new world, really like to show off and make others think that they are rich. We all should be more humble and do what we can, not caring about the judgments. What really matters is how we are inside, not the expensive car or the
jewelery
Correct your spelling
jewellery
 that we possess.
Submitted by leccaantonio1992 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Consumer culture
  • Conform
  • Societal influence
  • Financial literacy
  • Budgeting
  • Interest rates
  • Credit management
  • Impulsive purchases
  • Marketing strategies
  • Aggressive marketing
  • Emotional spending
  • Cope with stress
  • Availability of credit
  • Buy-now-pay-later schemes
  • Cycle of spending
What to do next:
Look at other essays: