IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many parents are unhappy with the amount of violence in video games, television programs, and other leisure activities. How harmful could this be to children? What could be done to solve this problem?

#parents #amount #violence #video #games #television #programs #leisure #activities #be #children
Most parents are unhappy with their
children
 because their some leisure activities
such
 as video games, television programs etc.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 we will discuss the statement below on how the
children
 have come down their
time
 and could solve the problem. Indeed
children
 are immature. Most of the
time
 they do not know what activities are harmful and how they have lost their golden
time
. For ,example most of the younger have used mobile phones.
Therefore
 they have lost their
time
 playing games on their mobile.Some of us always use Facebooking and chat most of the
time
 and somebody is passing their
time
 watching movies and dramas on television.so we can easily say that at ,first they lost their
time
secondly
 they harmed their brains and eyes.By contract to see
this
 program they have become misguided. So that we could solve the problem in many ways .At ,first we would not use the smartphone as they could not play games and not use social media on their handset.,
Otherwise
 we can fix the
time
 to watch the television. I hope that with
this
 type of ,initiative we could protect our
children
. In conclusion,most of the parents are unhappy with their
children
's activities.we believe that
children
 need to be entertained in their life.but not to be lost their
time
 and body.So we can understand our child through counselling what is harmful and better for their life. To create responsibility and owner of the
children
.
Submitted by arjewel27 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: