IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The chart shows the changes of percentage of people born inside and outside of Australia live in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

The chart shows the changes of percentage of people born inside and outside of Australia live in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.
#changes #percentage #people #australia #town
In the
graph
Add a comma
,graph
show examples
 we can see that in 1995 more
people
 lived in
cities
 who were born outside
Australia
 than those who
born
Add a missing verb
were born
show examples
 in
Australia
.
This
 is
also
 true in 2010. In 1995
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
people
 lived in towns who were born outside
Australia
 than those who were born in
Australia
. The graph shows that rural
areas
 were more popular in 1995 than in 2010 and more
people
lived
Correct pronoun usage
who lived
show examples
 in
this
Change the determiner
this area
these areas
show examples
areas
 who were born outside
Australia
 than those who were born in
Australia
. In 2010 there were big differences. As I mentioned before, there were a few
percentage
Change to a plural noun
percentages
show examples
 of
people
 who lived in rural
areas
 and in towns. The most popular
areas
 were the
cities
.
People
 are mostly lived in
cities
indipend
Correct your spelling
depend
 of were born in
Australia
 or outside of
Australia
. In my opinion,
cities
 were the most popular because they are more developed and there are better
hospitalites
Correct your spelling
hospitals
 and maybe the infrastructure is
also
 better.
Submitted by bazin.vanda.mail on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
▼
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, cities, australia, areas with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: