IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that playing computer games is bad for children in every aspect. Others say that playing computer games can have positive effects of the way children develop. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #computer #games #children #aspect #effects
It has been frequently argued that spending leisure time gaming on the internet is worthless, whilst others opine it has assisted in the
overall
 progression of young ones. In
this
, essay I would like to shed light on both perspectives
along with
 my viewpoint in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
 with, developments in technology have altered the ways of spending free time as well,
however
, a few masses are against the over-utilisation of electronic devices by children as it is dangerous for them.
Initially
, they have been suffering from serious health issues as they do not perform any physical activities that could lead to obesity,
subsequently
,
accumulation
Correct article usage
the accumulation
show examples
 of fat is a fundamental cause of fatal diseases.
Besides
, it has adversely impacted the eyesight of operators
due to
 long screening hours,
therefore
, they have to wear lenses or spectacles at a young age.
For instance
, these days, the majority of kids are observed suffering from immense eye problems.
Moreover
, an addiction to playing video games restricts them
to concentrate
Change preposition
from concentrating
show examples
 well on their important tasks, in fact, they are frequently scolded because of receiving poor grades.
On the other hand
, some of the masses assume playing computer games has brought ample benefits in the life of youngsters.
Firstly
,
while
 operating games, there is a great involvement of concentration and the neurological system of the brain,
consequently
,
such
 children are quite intelligent.
Secondly
, they obtain valuable experience by using technical gadgets and these are helpful for the rest of life.
For example
, kids could conveniently get white-collar jobs in the Information Technology sector and earn well by doing work, which they like the most. In conclusion, parents are worried about their young ones as they spend their whole day merely sitting in front of their laptops, which has been deteriorating their physical health and wasting their valuable time.
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, a few masses consider it useful as it plays a vital role in the upbringing of children and it assists them
to get
Change preposition
in getting
show examples
 good jobs. In my opinion, the use of any device more than needed is harmful and a similar case is here, the users could obtain more benefits by using gadgets within a limit.
Submitted by lavisharma622 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a main point with clear supporting details. Also, make sure that the introduction and conclusion adequately summarize the main points.
task achievement
The response mostly addresses the task, but some ideas lack development and there is a need for more comprehensive and clear ideas throughout the essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: