IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

New technologies provided machines which replaced workers to do certain physical jobs and tasks. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #machines #workers #jobs #tasks
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Automated factories have brought a new revolution to manufacture products in massive quantities that can hardly
achieve
Wrong verb form
be achieved
show examples
 by manpower.
Nonetheless
, some argue that
such
 technology reduces available positions for workers. In my viewpoint, automation not only improves productivity but
also
 reduces costs,
as a result
, I personally believe that the merits outweigh the demerits. In
this
 essay, I will elucidate in more detail and offer my own opinions. On one hand, using new equipment to replace humankind indeed causes detrimental effects on employees and possibly cuts relative positions.
However
, regarding the increasing cost of salaries, many companies have adopted
this
 solution.
As a result
, more and more items are made at lower prices and eventually benefit consumers worldwide. In the meantime, any new ideas can be implemented with less expensive costs, in terms of encouraging new commodities to be invented or designed.
On the other hand
,
this
 method enables mass production and higher quality. First of all, machines have higher operational speed and they can run on the whole day, in turn, productive efficiency is considerably elevated.
Moreover
, controlled by computers and artificial intelligence, the entire line can be controlled more precisely and any possible defects are detected.
Therefore
, both quantities and qualities are well enhanced. In conclusion,
although
 there are some drawbacks associated with unemployment, individuals could lose their jobs
due to
this
 trend.
Nevertheless
, there are various pros
such
 as
less
Fix the agreement mistake
lower
show examples
 expenses, mass manufacture and quality management. In
this
 way, people can enjoy low-cost goods and live more easily.
Consequently
,
due to
 the reasons listed above, the positive aspects overshadow the negative ones.
Submitted by aaron.ten.tw on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay provides a somewhat clear and relevant response to the task, but it lacks a strong focus on fully addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is unclear at times, leading to some difficulties in following the progression of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph is well-connected and contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: