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Band 6

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
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These two pie graphs illustrate the information about children's
activities
Use synonyms
. The first figure shows the cultural
activities
Use synonyms
 that
boys
Use synonyms
 like the most,
while
Linking Words
 the second graph presents the cultural and leisure
activities
Use synonyms
 that
girls
Use synonyms
 do.
However
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the
girls
Use synonyms
 like to do outdoor games in their leisure time
as well as
Linking Words
 indoor
activities
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the
boys
Use synonyms
 are more interested in the outdoors than indoors. The percentage of
boys
Use synonyms
 who like to read is the lowest amount shown by the pie chart at 2%,
whereas
Linking Words
 21% of
girls
Use synonyms
 like reading.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentage of children who listening music is the same on both two sides at 10%.
Although
Linking Words
 both
girls
Use synonyms
 and
boys
Use synonyms
 are interested in computer games.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 only
boys
Use synonyms
 play skateboarding, soccer and basketball,
nevertheless
Linking Words
 netball, gymnastic, and dancing are only famous among
girls
Use synonyms
. Most
girls
Use synonyms
 choose dancing as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 cultural and leisure activity at 27%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, 26% of
boys
Use synonyms
 play basketball.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "although, while".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words activities, boys, girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • gender difference
  • similar participation rates
  • traditional gender roles
  • trends
  • impact
  • parental influence
  • extracurricular activities
  • accessible
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