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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The first chart below shows the percentages of women and men in a country involved in some kinds of home tasks (cooking, cleaning, pet caring and repairing the house. The second chart shows the amount of time each gender spent on each task per day.

The first chart below shows the percentages of women and men in a country involved in some kinds of home tasks (cooking, cleaning, pet caring and repairing the house. The second chart shows the amount of time each gender spent on each task per day.
#first #percentages #women #men #country #kinds #home #tasks #pet #house #second #amount #time #gender
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The data illustrates the percentage between men and women who do
Use synonyms
house work
Correct your spelling
housework
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 cooking, cleaning, pet caring and repairing the
house
Use synonyms
 and how much time they spent on each task per day.
Overall
Linking Words
, what stands out from the chart is that female tends to do and spent
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of their time doing
house
Use synonyms
 chore more than male. In more
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
, it depicts that cooking accounts for the largest portion,
while
Linking Words
 doing
Add an article
the repair
show examples
repair
Fix the agreement mistake
repairs
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 at home is the smallest
from
Change preposition
of
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 both genders.
For example
Linking Words
,
female
Add an article
a female
the female
show examples
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 the cooking is approximately 80%
in contrast
Linking Words
,
only
Change preposition
to only
show examples
 about 60%
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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. Cleaning comes
next,
Linking Words
it receives just about 60%
attention
Change preposition
of attention
show examples
 from girls
whereas
Linking Words
, 20% less from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
guys.
However
Linking Words
, both spent
equal
Correct article usage
an equal
show examples
 fraction in taking care of pets at around 20%.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 we can see the huge difference when it comes to mending the
house
Use synonyms
 where men hold at least 20%,
while
Linking Words
 female doing repair gets the lower fraction at roughly 5%.
In addition
Linking Words
, the time spent on these tasks
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 relatively almost the same
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 the percentage provided.
Submitted by Anneya on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words house with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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