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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #changes #percentage #people #australia #town #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart demonstrates the average changes of
people
Use synonyms
were
Correct pronoun usage
who were
show examples
 born in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and who were born abroad
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Australia
Use synonyms
 in different areas,
urbans
Correct your spelling
urban
,
rural
Correct word choice
and rural
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 between 1995 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
 the highest
birth
Use synonyms
 average
number
Use synonyms
 outside and inside
Australia
Use synonyms
 in 1995 was in rural areas.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
birth
Use synonyms
 in rural declined in 2010 to
people
Use synonyms
 who are abroad or inside
Australia
Use synonyms
. In 1995 the
number
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 of
birth
Use synonyms
 in cities inside
Australia
Use synonyms
 and outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 was 55% and 60% respectively.
While
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who were born abroad in town
50
Add a missing verb
was 50
show examples
% the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 Australian, (from 20 % to 10%), the proportion
number
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 of
birth
Use synonyms
 in cities outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 was higher around 25%. In 2010 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who were born in rural and town region
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 around 15% but it made
difference
Correct article usage
a difference
show examples
 to be around 5% less in
rural
Add an article
a rural
the rural
show examples
 area than
towns
Change preposition
in towns
show examples
. Both years 1995 and 2010 scored around 20% higher in the
birth
Use synonyms
 of cities outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 than inside.
Submitted by solimanfarag777 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, australia, birth, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Demographic
  • Trends
  • Urban areas
  • Rural areas
  • Town
  • Native-born
  • Foreign-born
  • Migration patterns
  • Economic factors
  • Government policies
  • Increase
  • Decrease
  • Steady
  • Peak
  • Trough
  • Time frame
  • Significant changes
  • Distribution
  • Notable
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