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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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The bar chart compares the percentage of Australian men and women in six different
age
Use synonyms
 groups who did regular physical exercise in the year 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, females were more active in regular physical activities than males except for one
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 who were
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
15-24
age
Use synonyms
 in 2010. As it observed the highest percentage of men doing physical activities was within the
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 15 to 20 at 52.8% but
then
Linking Words
 it slightly decreased to 42.2% at
age
Use synonyms
 25 to 34.
However
Linking Words
, the
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of men doing daily exercise increased to 43.1% and
then
Linking Words
 again
45.1
Change preposition
to 45.1
show examples
% more for the
age
Use synonyms
 groups 45 to 54 and 55 to 64 respectively. For
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 65 and over it increased slightly again to 46.7%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
female
Correct article usage
the female
show examples
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 45 to 54 did regular exercise at 53.3% which was
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
from
Change preposition
among
show examples
 all other
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
group
Change the wording
groups
show examples
. The lowest percentage within the
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 55 to 64 was 47.1% of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 doing daily physical activities.
Lastly
Linking Words
, figures for female was consistent through each
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by PONKAJ DEY on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 73%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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