IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

For many, shopping malls are great places to spend their leisure time and meet others. People, however, in the past mostly visited those when necessary. To what extent do you think this is a negative trend?

People
Use synonyms
 have different views on whether it's beneficial that more residents go to supermarkets to entertain themselves and have a date with friends or not.
While
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 there are so many drawbacks to
this
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 behaviour, I think the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, it would have detrimental impacts
that
Correct word choice
because
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 many citizens are crowded in supermarkets.
To begin
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 with,
people
Use synonyms
 who love to go to big shops would allocate less time to enhance their abilities
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they may lack various skills in
this
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 ever-changing and competitive society.
Furthermore
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, the residents would spend fewer hours engaging in the community and decrease the cohesion in the community.
Lastly
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, it would exert greater pressure on society.
For example
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, with so many
people
Use synonyms
 going out, the transportation system would be busy
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
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 workers may be overloaded.
On the other hand
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, going to the malls would benefit us a lot.
Firstly
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, making
acquaintance
Fix the agreement mistake
acquaintances
show examples
 with some friends may prompt their development
due to
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 the fact that it enables
people
Use synonyms
 to expand their social circle and cultivates the capacity for conversation.
Secondly
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, it would facilitate the growth of the economy,in consequence of the fact that growing numbers of
people
Use synonyms
 are willing to purchase
merchants
Change preposition
from merchants
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 in the shops.
Thirdly
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 ,with so many consumers choosing to entertain themselves in the supermarket, more job opportunities are offered.
For instance
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, the number of guards would be larger to ensure the safety of those citizens who spend time in malls. In conclusion, I understand why
people
Use synonyms
 worry about the phenomenon of spending more in shops.But I would argue that the advantages tip the balance.

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organization
Add a short intro that restates the topic and your view.
coherence
Make one main idea in each paragraph and link it to your view with clear words.
lexical
Choose more exact words and fix phrases like 'purchase merchants'.
grammar
Check grammar and fix run-ons and sentence length.
task response
Give more real examples or facts to back up points.
position
You show a clear view that you think benefits outweigh drawbacks.
structure
Two sides are used with 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand'.
conclusion
Conclusion restates your view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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