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Band 3

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.
#bar #changes #percentage #people #australia #town
A number of
countries
 are struggling with penury .
Although
a
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apply
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plenty of philanthropist
countries
 help them by improving their financial
sources
Correct your spelling
resources
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, but in doing so , poverty has not been solved yet .
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
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, some people believe that they should be given help in other ways . In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
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 the second solution outweighs the first one . We will know why I think like
this
 in
Correct article usage
the fallowing
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fallowing
Correct your spelling
following
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 paragraphs. To start with , some communities face poverty
as a result
 of corruption , location or environmental issues .
Nevertheless
 , it
dose
Correct your spelling
does
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 not mean that they can not be as developed as other
countries
.
Moreover
 , many undeveloped
countries
 have introduced a remarkable number of geniuses to the world.
Therefore
 ,
This
 fact indicates that
this societies
Change the determiner
this society
these societies
show examples
 should be paid attention
.
Change preposition
to .
show examples
It is
while
 some extended
countries
 express their sense of sympathy by giving them
money
 . Not only it is not
an
Change the article
apply
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appropriate , but
also
this
 form of helping might have devastating outcomes. To illustrate , giving
money
 would be
Correct article usage
a temporarily
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temporarily
Change the word
temporary
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 escape .
Furthermore
 ,
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 in charge would spend the
money
as
Change preposition
on
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 their personal expenses.
Thus
 , as my experiences confirm, if the financial aid is not
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
a specific purposes
Correct the article-noun agreement
a specific purpose
specific purposes
show examples
, it will definitely cause problems. When all is said and done , what are the best applicable ways to help undeveloped communities? As I see
this
 , the main issue in poor
countries
 is the lack of university and competent teachers .
Hence
 ,
the first step is
 to catch them up with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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state-of-the-art knowledge and
the
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apply
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cutting-edge technology.
Further
 , In my point of view ,
instead
 of giving them
money
 ,
first world
Add a hyphen
first-world
show examples
countries
 should give them
hand
Correct article usage
a hand
show examples
 to expand their financial resources .
For instance
 , improve their tourism industry .
Besides
 , they can compromise on some win-win exchanges.
For example
 , virtually all poor
countries
 have
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
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 unused
lands
Fix the agreement mistake
land
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 it is
while
 more developed
countries
 are seeking
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
land to launch their solar panels.
Therefore
 , those lands can be exploited for an environmentally friendly goal . In conclusion , it is extremely appreciated to help poor
countries
 but it would have been better if the
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 had
done
Add a missing verb
been done
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 in more beneficial ways. I deem that investing
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 poor
countries
 would have seemingly good results.
Submitted by yulyawashington on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "therefore, while".
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words countries, money with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographics
  • urbanization
  • migration patterns
  • population distribution
  • percentage points
  • growth rate
  • decline
  • trend analysis
  • socioeconomic factors
  • infrastructure development
  • rural exodus
  • census data
  • lifestyle changes
  • residential patterns
  • immigration policies
  • emigration
  • natural increase
  • birth rate
  • settlement patterns
  • push and pull factors
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