The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.
A number of
countries
are struggling with penury . Although
a
plenty of philanthropist Remove the article
apply
countries
help them by improving their financial sources
, but in doing so , poverty has not been solved yet . Correct your spelling
resources
Therefor
, some people believe that they should be given help in other ways . In my Correct your spelling
Therefore
opinion
the second solution outweighs the first one . We will know why I think like Add a comma
,opinion
this
in Correct article usage
the fallowing
fallowing
paragraphs.
To start with , some communities face poverty Correct your spelling
following
as a result
of corruption , location or environmental issues . Nevertheless
, it dose
not mean that they can not be as developed as other Correct your spelling
does
countries
. Moreover
, many undeveloped countries
have introduced a remarkable number of geniuses to the world. Therefore
, This
fact indicates that this societies
should be paid attentionChange the determiner
this society
these societies
.
It is Change preposition
to .
while
some extended countries
express their sense of sympathy by giving them money
. Not only it is not an
appropriate , but Change the article
apply
also
this
form of helping might have devastating outcomes. To illustrate , giving money
would be Correct article usage
a temporarily
temporarily
escape . Change the word
temporary
Furthermore
, people
in charge would spend the Correct article usage
the people
money
as
their personal expenses. Change preposition
on
Thus
, as my experiences confirm, if the financial aid is not with
Change preposition
for
a specific purposes
, it will definitely cause problems. When all is said and done , what are the best applicable ways to help undeveloped communities?
As I see Correct the article-noun agreement
a specific purpose
specific purposes
this
, the main issue in poor countries
is the lack of university and competent teachers . Hence
, the first step is
to catch them up with the
state-of-the-art knowledge and Correct article usage
apply
the
cutting-edge technology. Correct article usage
apply
Further
, In my point of view , instead
of giving them money
, first world
Add a hyphen
first-world
countries
should give them hand
to expand their financial resources . Correct article usage
a hand
For instance
, improve their tourism industry . Besides
, they can compromise on some win-win exchanges. For example
, virtually all poor countries
have many
unused Correct quantifier usage
much
lands
it is Fix the agreement mistake
land
while
more developed countries
are seeking for
Change preposition
apply
a
land to launch their solar panels. Correct article usage
apply
Therefore
, those lands can be exploited for an environmentally friendly goal .
In conclusion , it is extremely appreciated to help poor countries
but it would have been better if the helps
had Correct subject-verb agreement
help
done
in more beneficial ways. I deem that investing Add a missing verb
been done
on
poor Change preposition
in
countries
would have seemingly good results.Submitted by yulyawashington on
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "therefore, while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words countries, money with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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