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Band 3.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (eg. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that a certain workders deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #eg #years #everybody #occupation #workders #pension #type #workers #benefit
A great number of
population
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the population
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 think that having a set
retirement
age
 for everybody,
according to
 their occupation, is more rational. They believe that
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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certain professions deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier
age
. I strongly agree with
this
 idea. In my
opinion
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opinion,
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 I think any occupations that desire a lot of physical and mental
health
 should have an earlier
retirement
age
. Some occupations take a load of physical work that’s most likely
risk
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to risk
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 one into a severe condition that’s possibly ruin their career
such
 as back injuries, broken
bone
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bones
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, or permanent disability.
In addition
, many professions require a certain type of method that could lead
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to
an
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apply
show examples
unstable mental
health
, including, daily stress,
feeling
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feelings
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 of fear and guilt, and suicidal
thought
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thoughts
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. Both of these aspects affect on quality of work and one’s personal quality of life
such
 as
health
 and prosperity. In
term
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terms
show examples
 of physical concern, it seems to me that a construction worker should retire sooner than
common
Correct article usage
the common
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retirement
age
.
Due to
 the tensions that have been slowly destroying one’s physique.
On the other hand
, police
detective
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detectives
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 should have been set a
retirement
 before turned
65 year-old
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65-year-old
show examples
, for the reason that
,
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apply
show examples
 many detectives have been surrounded by unholy activities
such
 as either
murdering
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murder
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 or kidnapping,
hence
,
whats
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what
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 they must have been through
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 most likely disturb the sense of morality and could lead to unstable mental
health
 that could be a danger for both society and themselves.
Submitted by amittawin on

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Structure
Be sure to structure your essay with a clear introduction, at least two or three body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your introduction should outline the points you will discuss, and your conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion.
Sentence Structure
Work on varying your sentence structures to enhance flow and readability. Employ a mix of complex and compound sentences to convey your ideas more effectively.
Development
Ensure that your ideas are supported with specific examples or further explanation to strengthen your argument. Each body paragraph should focus on one main idea with supportive details.
Grammar
Check for grammatical accuracy, including subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and proper usage of articles. Avoid repetitive language by using synonyms and paraphrases.
Cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central idea which is then further elaborated. Use cohesive devices like linking words and transition phrases to lead the reader through your argument smoothly.
Task Response
Task response could be improved by addressing the prompt more directly and covering all parts of the question. While you have provided positions supporting earlier retirement for certain occupations, ensuring that there is an even balance between agreement/disagreement with the ideas presented in the prompt is essential.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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