Some people think that having a set retirement age (eg. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that a certain workders deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?
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It is thought by certain people that having the same
retirement's
age for everybody without considering what their occupation is seems to be unfair. Some jobs deserve to retire and have a pension at an earlier age. I agree with Change noun form
retirement
this
statement. And, in my opinion, physicians and constructors should be those who retire before others.
Firstly
, those careers whose physique is needed in their workload more than others should retire early compared to other careers because the potential of the body will decrease with ageing. For example
, Times Magazine stated that more than 40 percent
of Change the spelling
per cent
the
employees over 50 years old in New York City will have difficulty with their eye receptors, particularly in the dark. Correct article usage
apply
In addition
, the ability will decrease when the time of working loader. Ageing persons can be tired more easily than younger ones
. Thus
, in the same period of time, the younger can do a lot more jobs than the others.
The obvious careerpath
that should benefit from retiring sooner Correct your spelling
career path
are
doctors. First of all, Most physicians have to use their hands when doing the surgery. They use both finger-hand muscles and eye perception when doing their job. Those body potentials will decrease when they grow older and affect the patient’s safety. Correct subject-verb agreement
is
Moreover
, a constructor is another occupation that needs to stop working sooner because when they become older, their ability will drop. The elder ones
will need more time to accomplish the same task compared to the younger ones
. Additionally
, they may have a higher chance of having an accident during their jobs. For example
, WHO said that after 40 years old, the constructors’ own skills will drop by around 20 percent
every year and the accidents working will increase by around 50 Change the spelling
per cent
percent
more than the young Change the spelling
per cent
ones
.
To conclude
, I agree with an earlier retirement age because of the body potential and skills of the elderly. Furthermore
, occupations such
as doctors and constructors should benefit from early retiring
.Replace the word
retirement
Submitted by amittawin on
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coherence
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and conclusion, but work on the logical flow between sentences to ensure they are seamless.
cohesion
Ensure you use a range of vocabulary effectively to increase the variability in your essay, and avoid repetitive phrases.
grammar
Be careful with minor grammatical issues. While they do not majorly affect comprehension, eliminating them would make your arguments more persuasive.
task response
Try to provide specific evidence to support each of your points more comprehensively.
coherence
Your introduction clearly states your position and outlines the main points.
task response
You used specific examples like the statistics from the Times Magazine and WHO to support your arguments.
task achievement
The essay has clear and comprehensive ideas, providing reasoning for why certain professions should retire earlier.