IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (eg. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that a certain workders deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is thought by certain people that having the same
retirement's
Change noun form
retirement
show examples
 age for everybody without considering what their occupation is seems to be unfair. Some jobs deserve to retire and have a pension at an earlier age. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. And, in my opinion, physicians and constructors should be those who retire before others.
Firstly
Linking Words
, those careers whose physique is needed in their workload more than others should retire early compared to other careers because the potential of the body will decrease with ageing.
For example
Linking Words
, Times Magazine stated that more than 40
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employees over 50 years old in New York City will have difficulty with their eye receptors, particularly in the dark.
In addition
Linking Words
, the ability will decrease when the time of working loader. Ageing persons can be tired more easily than younger
ones
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, in the same period of time, the younger can do a lot more jobs than the others. The obvious
careerpath
Correct your spelling
career path
 that should benefit from retiring sooner
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 doctors. First of all, Most physicians have to use their hands when doing the surgery. They use both finger-hand muscles and eye perception when doing their job. Those body potentials will decrease when they grow older and affect the patient’s safety.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a constructor is another occupation that needs to stop working sooner because when they become older, their ability will drop. The elder
ones
Use synonyms
 will need more time to accomplish the same task compared to the younger
ones
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they may have a higher chance of having an accident during their jobs.
For example
Linking Words
, WHO said that after 40 years old, the constructors’ own skills will drop by around 20
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 every year and the accidents working will increase by around 50
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 more than the young
ones
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I agree with an earlier retirement age because of the body potential and skills of the elderly.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, occupations
such
Linking Words
 as doctors and constructors should benefit from early
retiring
Replace the word
retirement
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and conclusion, but work on the logical flow between sentences to ensure they are seamless.
cohesion
Ensure you use a range of vocabulary effectively to increase the variability in your essay, and avoid repetitive phrases.
grammar
Be careful with minor grammatical issues. While they do not majorly affect comprehension, eliminating them would make your arguments more persuasive.
task response
Try to provide specific evidence to support each of your points more comprehensively.
coherence
Your introduction clearly states your position and outlines the main points.
task response
You used specific examples like the statistics from the Times Magazine and WHO to support your arguments.
task achievement
The essay has clear and comprehensive ideas, providing reasoning for why certain professions should retire earlier.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: