IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Connections between equality and personal pursuit have been highly discussed in modern days.
While
Linking Words
 some contend that people can reach their target more successfully in a unified society, I agree with the opposing side that individuals can achieve higher levels of goals only when they are allowed to exploit their advantages in a competitive environment. On one hand, an equal society allows all individuals to embrace opportunities which accelerate self-accomplishment. When sharing equivalent resources and responsibilities, the public is more able to explore its advantages in all fields and develop different experiences.
For example
Linking Words
, the Nordic countries advocate equality in all forms,
such
Linking Words
 as social, economic or gender. Statistics have shown that more than 60% of Nordic people feel encouraged
while
Linking Words
 chasing their dreams with the support of positive social communication, faithful economic system and welfare,
as well as
Linking Words
 gender-equal and trusting social activities.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I believe that a competing environment can boost one’s motivation and dedication to perform better.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, under limited resources and high competition, those who are willing to work harder and be more persistent can accomplish more.
For example
Linking Words
, the US characterizes a strong focus on competition and individualism, contributing to an average higher standard of living.
Also
Linking Words
, some of my friends who worked in US startup companies have proved that the more effort they made, the more satisfied and successful they were. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 reaching a higher level of purpose involves an equal and uniform social establishment, I personally reckon that it can be accomplished by a competitive social system.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay provides relevant ideas, but it lacks clarity and coherence in the development of those ideas. Additionally, your introduction and conclusion need further elaboration to fully address the prompt.
task achievement
While you have addressed the topic, your essay lacks depth and fails to fully develop the ideas presented. It is essential to clearly demonstrate your position and provide detailed supporting evidence for a higher score.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: