IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theater and less time on sport. How far do you agree with this statement?

#people #time #activities #music #theater #sport
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In today's world, our young generation spends a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 on spiritual activities
such
Linking Words
 as music and theatre and
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not pay attention
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
sport
Use synonyms
. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion because it can damage their health and career progression. One of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 is that
people
Use synonyms
 do not spend
time
Use synonyms
 on
Use synonyms
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 because they are inspired by other things,
such
Linking Words
 as music or theatre and they do not want to achieve their goals .
Therefore
Linking Words
, if they put a lot of effort
for
Change preposition
into
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 it, they will be tired.
As a result
Linking Words
, it can
leads
Change the verb form
lead
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 to serious problems with
heath
Correct your spelling
health
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,
such
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 as obesity or
diabet
Correct your spelling
diabetes
, as they have a sedentary lifestyle.
For instance
Linking Words
, nowadays the majority of teenagers who spend less
time
Use synonyms
 are suffering
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 health problems .
Resent
Correct your spelling
Recent
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 research found that approximately over half of young
people
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 have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity,
while
Linking Words
 young
people
Use synonyms
 who spend more
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
Use synonyms
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
very
Add a missing verb
have very
show examples
 well-being. Another reason is that a lack of
Use synonyms
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 experience in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
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 can negatively
impacted
Change the verb form
impact
be impacted
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on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
future career progression.
Because nowadays
Correct word choice
Nowadays
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, if
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 population do not have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
achievements
an achievement
show examples
achievements
Use synonyms
 in their career, they will not accepted to work.
For instance
Linking Words
, in today's
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
organizations and companies require
people
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 who have
a splendid
Correct the article-noun agreement
splendid achievements
a splendid achievement
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achievements
Use synonyms
 as these companies
provided
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 a wide range of events to apply
Use synonyms
achievements
Correct article usage
the achievements
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 of their workers.
A statistics
Correct article usage
Statistics
show examples
 showed that over 80 % of young
people
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 did not
accepted
Change the verb form
accept
show examples
 to work as they did not have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
achievements
an achievement
show examples
achievements
Use synonyms
 in the
sport
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
Use synonyms
 should be more confident and responsible for their future
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 to prevent
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 issues which might damage their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, if they had a chance to spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on
sport
Use synonyms
, they would have a benevolent
life
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by dimash171206 on

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt but lacks depth and clarity. More focused arguments and examples are needed to fully address the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay shows some structure and organization, but there are issues with the introduction and conclusion. More cohesive devices and a better logical flow would improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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