Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theater and less time on sport. How far do you agree with this statement?

In today's world, our young generation spends a lot of
time
on spiritual activities
such
as music and theatre and
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
not pay attention
for
Change preposition
to
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sport
. I strongly disagree with
this
opinion because it can damage their health and career progression. One of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
is that
people
do not spend
time
on
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
because they are inspired by other things,
such
as music or theatre and they do not want to achieve their goals .
Therefore
, if they put a lot of effort
for
Change preposition
into
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it, they will be tired.
As a result
, it can
leads
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lead
show examples
to serious problems with
heath
Correct your spelling
health
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,
such
as obesity or
diabet
Correct your spelling
diabetes
, as they have a sedentary lifestyle.
For instance
, nowadays the majority of teenagers who spend less
time
are suffering
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
health problems .
Resent
Correct your spelling
Recent
show examples
research found that approximately over half of young
people
have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity,
while
young
people
who spend more
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
very
Add a missing verb
have very
show examples
well-being. Another reason is that a lack of
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
experience in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
can negatively
impacted
Change the verb form
impact
be impacted
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on
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apply
show examples
future career progression.
Because nowadays
Correct word choice
Nowadays
show examples
, if
young
Correct article usage
the young
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population do not have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
achievements
an achievement
show examples
achievements
in their career, they will not accepted to work.
For instance
, in today's
world
Add a comma
world,
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most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
organizations and companies require
people
who have
a splendid
Correct the article-noun agreement
splendid achievements
a splendid achievement
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achievements
as these companies
provided
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
a wide range of events to apply
achievements
Correct article usage
the achievements
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of their workers.
A statistics
Correct article usage
Statistics
show examples
showed that over 80 % of young
people
did not
accepted
Change the verb form
accept
show examples
to work as they did not have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
achievements
an achievement
show examples
achievements
in the
sport
. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
should be more confident and responsible for their future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
to prevent
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
issues which might damage their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
However
, if they had a chance to spend more
time
on
sport
, they would have a benevolent
life
.
Submitted by dimash171206 on

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt but lacks depth and clarity. More focused arguments and examples are needed to fully address the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay shows some structure and organization, but there are issues with the introduction and conclusion. More cohesive devices and a better logical flow would improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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