IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people believe that playing games and watching TV programs is beneficial but others say it doesn't improve the mental ability of children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A lot of people think that by spending some
time
Use synonyms
 on
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing
games
Use synonyms
 you will earn some benefits from it . I Totally Disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion
due to
Linking Words
 the reasons which will be discussed in the following paragraphs
First,
Linking Words
I am going to talk about what
games
Use synonyms
TV
Use synonyms
 shows and movies do to the human brain. Challenging can it be to sit down and not burn some phosphorus. The why of
that is
Linking Words
 when your body is awake your mind is fully working and you need to use that kind of energy for some good reasons. If you do not, the body will get used to it so fast
then
Linking Words
 the mind will get really lazy especially, in the middle ages or youth
time
Use synonyms
 will affect the future of that person and all their relatives. By way of example, research has shown by a survey on old persons who are struggling with Dementia have watched
TV
Use synonyms
 more than 10 hours a week in the past and that was the reason they were diagnosed.
However
Linking Words
, television and goods like that can help a person gain a salient amount of weight.
To begin
Linking Words
 with when people use television and video
games
Use synonyms
 most of the
time
Use synonyms
 they do not do much so they kind of stick to a chair and the only part of their body that they use is one or two fingers. So being held still will cause Artery and heart failure. And the
last
Linking Words
 example is they can not give good reasons for living and for sure they will die sooner than others. If they do not die sooner they will suffer from depression. In conclusion, despite the fact that playing
games
Use synonyms
 and watching movies can reduce anxiety for just a brief moment it is not good to spend so much
time
Use synonyms
 on so I totally disagree with many people that watching
TV
Use synonyms
 can be beneficial.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide a clear stance on the topic and develop it throughout the essay. Your introduction does not clearly state your position.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas in a logical and cohesive manner. Your essay lacks coherence and cohesion in terms of structure and linking words.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely. Try to use more appropriate and varied vocabulary.
grammatical range
Improve your grammatical accuracy and range. Pay attention to sentence structure, verb tenses, and subject-verb agreement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • critical thinking
  • strategy games
  • educational content
  • reinforce learning
  • excessive screen time
  • mental health
  • attention deficit disorders
  • social isolation
  • foster healthy development
  • interactivity
  • retention of information
  • active participation
  • virtual context
What to do next:
Look at other essays: