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Band 3.5

Prevention is better than cure".Out of country's health budget,a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on preventive measures. To what extend do you agree?

#prevention #cure #country #health #budget #proportion #treatment #measures
There might always be better to prevent than to cure. Not only in a
health
-related sector, but we might possibly find familiar in
such
 manufacturers, in architecture, and so on. Focusing on the country's
health
 treatment, in many developing countries, most of their budget allocation is earmarked for curing treatment. Especially in
Indonesia
, the Ministry of Public
Health
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
manage
Correct subject-verb agreement
manages
show examples
 a Social Security Administrator called BPJS. BPJS is quite similar to what we call
Health
 Insurance. Indonesian People pay a monthly due based on the rate they select, starting from 80,000 thousand rupiah up to 300,000 thousand rupiah. Whatever the diseases are, they can just directly go to the hospital, and ask for an observation or special treatment if they are indicated of serious diagnosis. Those expenses surely are covered by The Government, and make it the biggest expense.
On the other hand
,
Indonesia
 faces a variety of issues related to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
. Stunting is
Indonesia
's biggest issue, followed by Tuberculosis and non-infectious diseases,
such
 as mental
health
. Imagine if
Indonesia
 allocated their budget to fulfill nutritional necessities,
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
 to educate all mothers and children about preventing stunting.
Also
 what if
Indonesia
collaborate
Change the verb form
collaborates
show examples
 with the Psychologists' Association and state-owned and Private Enterprises, to create a policy about monitoring their employees' mental condition
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 The country will create fine and healthy generations if they can make a balance in how they treat their people to keep them healthy, from preventing diseases to curing them of serious ones.
Submitted by semangatbanget.s2 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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