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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
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There are some people who argue that children will succeed academically more
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 if non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
will be
Wrong verb form
are
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 removed from a
school
Use synonyms
 program in order to give them
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
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 to concentrate more on studying. In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is not
good
Add an article
a good
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 idea since young people will not benefit from limiting
school
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degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
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 to academic work only.
Overload
Wrong verb form
Overloading
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of
Change preposition
apply
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difficult
subjects
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
 brings negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on children's health. Spending long hours
by
Change preposition
apply
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constantly sitting at
the
Correct article usage
a
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 desk is harmful, especially for younger kids, who
physiologycally
Correct your spelling
physiologically
physiological
 are not supposed to stay still and it is important for them to be active during the day. In
additon
Correct your spelling
addition
, non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as
phyical
Correct your spelling
physical
 education and cookery, can be considered as rest
time
Use synonyms
 for older students, where they get a chance to rest from learning and spend
time
Use synonyms
 on getting new skills.
School
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
, as
time
Use synonyms
 in general, is limited and there is a lot of pressure on young people to succeed academically,
hence
Linking Words
 it is expected to dedicate most of it to academic
subjects
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
way
Add a comma
,way
show examples
 teachers have more
time
Use synonyms
 to explain the
subjects
Use synonyms
 and students can concentrate on improving their
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, over-concentration on hard topics increases stress and tiredness levels, which can lead to developing serious health issues,
such
Linking Words
 as depression and chronic anxiety.
Therefore
Linking Words
, focusing on the academic part of
school
Use synonyms
 education requires careful building of
school
Use synonyms
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
. In conclusion, non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 are not less important
rather
Rephrase
apply
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than
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
show examples
 and support the health and fitness level. Staying fit and physically active and learning new skills
such
Linking Words
 as cooking or
carpentey
Correct your spelling
carpentry
carpenter
, is crucial and beneficial for children.
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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