There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

There are some people who argue that children will succeed academically more

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

if non-academic

subjects

will be

Wrong verb form

are

show examples

removed from a

school

program in order to give them

chance

Correct article usage

a chance

show examples

to concentrate more on studying. In my

opinion

Add a comma

,opinion

show examples

this

is not

good

Add an article

a good

show examples

idea since young people will not benefit from limiting

school

degree

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degrees

show examples

to academic work only.

Overload

Wrong verb form

Overloading

show examples

Change preposition

apply

show examples

difficult

subjects

school

brings negative

effect

Fix the agreement mistake

effects

show examples

on children's health. Spending long hours

Change preposition

apply

show examples

constantly sitting at

the

Correct article usage

show examples

desk is harmful, especially for younger kids, who

physiologycally

Correct your spelling

physiologically

physiological

are not supposed to stay still and it is important for them to be active during the day. In

additon

Correct your spelling

addition

, non-academic

subjects

such

phyical

Correct your spelling

physical

education and cookery, can be considered as rest

time

for older students, where they get a chance to rest from learning and spend

time

on getting new skills.

School

time

, as

time

in general, is limited and there is a lot of pressure on young people to succeed academically,

hence

it is expected to dedicate most of it to academic

subjects

. In

this

way

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,way

show examples

teachers have more

time

to explain the

subjects

and students can concentrate on improving their

knowledges

Change the wording

knowledge

pieces of knowledge

bits of knowledge

show examples

However

, over-concentration on hard topics increases stress and tiredness levels, which can lead to developing serious health issues,

such

as depression and chronic anxiety.

Therefore

, focusing on the academic part of

school

education requires careful building of

school

program

Fix the agreement mistake

programs

show examples

. In conclusion, non-academic

subjects

are not less important

rather

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apply

show examples

than

academic

Fix the agreement mistake

academics

show examples

and support the health and fitness level. Staying fit and physically active and learning new skills

such

as cooking or

carpentey

Correct your spelling

carpentry

carpenter

, is crucial and beneficial for children.

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Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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5Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
20Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

266 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.5

Complete response

6.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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