IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Topic 2: These days many families move to other countries for work. Some people believe that the children in these families benefit from this move. However, others believe that it makes life more difficult for the children. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Migration in
such
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 greener pastures is a common thing these days. People opine
children
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 of
such
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 parents benefit from being raised in a foreign land, whilst others think life is rather difficult for these kids.
This
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 essay seeks to look at both views and I will state my opinion too. On the one hand, most of these
children
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 grow up into great adults in varying professions.
For instance
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, in the United Kingdom, most pupils in the early years of schooling have free education.
This
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 gives equal opportunities to foreigners whose
children
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 are citizens of the land by virtue of being born there to have the same exposure as actual natives of the United Kingdom.
Such
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 environments reward hard work so as long as a ward with a foreign background excels academically, they will acquire the jobs of their dreams once they qualify.
Also
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, most Western countries reward talents unlike developing nations where people take up jobs not because they are passionate but because of the earnings from the work that will enable them to live comfortable lives. I definitely think these benefits cannot be achieved in one's native land and will say
such
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 folks have an upper hand.
On the other hand
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, in some societies,
children
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 from foreign lands grow into vices.
This
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 is a common finding in America. To illustrate
this
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, most people of African descent are aware their countries promote childhood discipline to shape one's attitude. But in countries like America, laws frown on disciplining
children
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 and make it difficult for parents to groom their
children
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. These
children
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 grow up making decisions that lead them to nowhere as adults. Most school dropouts in America are foreign and they are the ones involved in much violence.
This
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 is because the parents are unable to straighten the lives of their
children
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 in ways they know best as they are bound by some restricting laws in these foreign lands.
To sum up
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, raising kids in foreign lands comes with pros and cons.
However
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, I am of the opinion these
children
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 have more gains than losses.

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task achievement
While the essay provides a balanced discussion on both views, it could benefit from a more detailed exploration of some arguments. For example, further elaboration on how exposure to different cultures can specifically benefit children would strengthen the essay.
coherence cohesion
There are some areas where the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing educational opportunities in the UK to the general notion of rewarding talents in the Western world could be connected more clearly.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction could be more engaging by clearly stating the two viewpoints and developing the essay from there. This would give a clearer picture to the reader from the outset and set the stage for a well-organized essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task requirement effectively by discussing both views and providing a clear personal opinion.
supported main points
You have provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, especially in highlighting how laws and education systems impact children from migrant families.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion succinctly summarizes the essay and provides a clear personal opinion, enhancing the overall coherence of the piece.
logical structure
Your main points are generally well-organized and supported, making the essay easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Migration
  • Globalization
  • Opportunities
  • Diversity
  • Assimilation
  • Adaptability
  • Language acquisition
  • Education
  • Career prospects
  • Social connections
  • Isolation
  • Cultural identity
  • Support systems
  • Parental guidance
  • Ambiguous
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