IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people state that schools should have a social responsibility to encourage children not to eat junk food. Others believe that parents should take responsibility for their children's eating habits. Discuss both views and state your opinion.

#people #schools #responsibility #children #junk #food #parents #habits
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days many
kids
 are eating
junk
food
. So, some people think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools should teach the
children
 about risks of
junk
food
,
while
 others believe that the
parents
 have the biggest role and they should teach their
children
 about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unhealthy
food
.
This
 essay will discuss both sides and will draw my personal conclusion.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, the
kids
 see their
parents
 as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 and learn many things from them, which make the
parents
 the most important source for their
children
.
For example
, if the
parents
was
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 eating a lot of unhealthy
food
 the
kids
 will
copying
Wrong verb form
copy
show examples
 them, and if the
parents
 teach their
kids
 about
dangers
Correct article usage
the dangers
show examples
 of
junk
food
 the
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
 will understand the problem because they see their
parents
. So that
why
Add a missing verb
is why
show examples
 some people think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents
 should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, some may think that school is the second house for the
children
, so they should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility and teach the
kids
 about the risks of
junk
food
, to illustrate,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kids
in general
Add the comma(s)
, in general,
show examples
 they influenced by society, so if the school make an event for health
food
 and the eating bad habits, they should give the
kids
 lessons about how they transition from unhealthy
food
 for
a healthy
Remove the article
healthy food
a portion of healthy food
show examples
food
 and good habits.
For instance
, they set a day for the
children
 to bring a healthy breakfast and
shere
Correct your spelling
share
 it with their friends. In conclusion, after a careful analysis of both points of view, I believe that both the
parents
 and schools should take responsibility for the
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
 bad habits.
Submitted by Raseelberry on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social responsibility
  • encourage
  • junk food
  • nutrition education
  • nutritious meals
  • physical activities
  • role models
  • healthy food choices
  • access
  • create a healthy environment
  • primary responsibility
  • limit
  • responsibility
What to do next:
Look at other essays: