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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart compares the proportion of boys and girls who participated in various sports in the year 2002

The bar chart compares the proportion of boys and girls who participated in various sports in the year 2002
#bar #proportion #boys #girls #sports #year
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The bar chart provides information
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
 in one country
played
Correct pronoun usage
who played
show examples
 various
sports
Use synonyms
 ( swimming, football,
netball
Use synonyms
, tennis, basketball, cricket).
Overall
Linking Words
, the
boys
Use synonyms
 played various
sports
Use synonyms
hold
Verb problem
apply
show examples
four out of six
sports
Use synonyms
, the
girls
Use synonyms
 played
various
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
two
sports
Use synonyms
 swimming and
netball
Use synonyms
. The
boys
Use synonyms
 joined football
while
Linking Words
 the
girls
Use synonyms
 were more likely to
netball
Use synonyms
. In 2010, the
boys
Use synonyms
 ranked first was played of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
football taking up nearly 20%. The
boys
Use synonyms
 participants
crickets
Change preposition
in crickets
show examples
 activities occupy about 12%. The boy
played
Correct pronoun usage
who played
show examples
Crickets
Fix the agreement mistake
cricket
show examples
 was
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
twice as high as the
girls
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the
girls
Use synonyms
 played
crickets
Fix the agreement mistake
cricket
show examples
2
Change preposition
at 2
show examples
% in 2010. The
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
boys
Use synonyms
played
Correct pronoun usage
who played
show examples
 tennis and basketball
8
Add a missing verb
was 8
show examples
% and 7%.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 of the
girls
Use synonyms
 played
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
swimming and
netball
Use synonyms
. The
girls
Use synonyms
played
Correct pronoun usage
who played
show examples
 swimming accounted
about
Change preposition
for about
show examples
 16%. The
girls
Use synonyms
 of the
netball
Use synonyms
take
Verb problem
makes
show examples
 up
Use synonyms
percentage
Add an article
a percentage
show examples
 of high about 17%.
While
Linking Words
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 the
boys
Use synonyms
 played two
sports
Use synonyms
 swimming and
netball
Use synonyms
 13% to 2%.
Submitted by huaishang90 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, boys, girls, sports, netball with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Proportion
  • Participation
  • Gender disparity
  • Societal norms
  • Physical demands
  • Sports facilities
  • Traditional gender roles
  • Inclusiveness
  • Accessibility
  • Appeal
  • Gender equality
  • Contemporary trends
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