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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The line graph below gives information about the percentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009.

The line graph below gives information about the percentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009.
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The line graph shows, the proportion of females aged between 15 and 64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 from 2003 to 2009 in five countries( Iceland-Canads-Germany-China and
Turkey
Use synonyms
).
Overall
Linking Words
, The highest proportion of
employment
Use synonyms
 was in Iceland,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest was in
Turkey
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Germany and China illustrate the increase in
employment
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 Iceland decreased.
In addition
Linking Words
, Canada had almost no change in the period given. In terms of the percentage of women in
employment
Use synonyms
,
Turkey
Use synonyms
 was at the highest in 2003 at around 80% before decreasing to approximately 78% in 2009. Canada, comes in
second,
Linking Words
at around 68% at the beginning of the period given, and remains stable to the end. Germany was the
third,
Linking Words
at around 58%, and showed a slight rise from 2003 to 2009 to almost 61%. China started at about 35% and increased in 2005 to almost 39% and showed an insignificant increase of 1% in 2009.
Finally
Linking Words
, in
Turkey
Use synonyms
, It was fluctuated between 20% and 25%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words employment, turkey with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • percentage
  • employment
  • trend
  • increase
  • decrease
  • fluctuation
  • analyze
  • overall
  • compare
  • implications
  • workforce
  • ages 15-64
  • data
  • rate
  • yearly changes
  • significant
  • stability
  • roles
  • factors
  • influenced
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