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Writing Samples
Band 5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Due to
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 the heavy workload on youth, the pressure of success is increasing.
Consequently
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, many individuals think that other subjects like sports and cooking classes should be eliminated from the course.
Therefore
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, juveniles could be able to give their full concentration towards their studies.
However
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, I believe that it is important to learn other skills as well
such
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 as cooking and other excursion.
activities
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 to keep young ones fit and healthy. So, I am not in
favor
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favour
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 of the above statement and will discuss it in detail in my essay below.
To begin
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 with,
due to
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 the heavy workload pupils are getting tense they just try to finish their work on time.
Therefore
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, it affects their mental health they become stressed and are under pressure that they have to obtain good scores.
Due to
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this
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, they can easily get admission to a top-ranked university. But
due to
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 a heavy workload, they are unable to enjoy it
therefore
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, those who are saying that other
activities
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 like sports and cooking classes should be omitted are dragging pupils to the worst condition. Particularly, these are the source of entertainment and it is important to have
such
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 lessons to maintain balance in studies and other
activities
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.
Secondly
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, it boosts the confidence of the children whenever they move to abroad or any other
of
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apply
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country they have the skills of cooking. Because of
this
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 they can feel confident and go independently everywhere without any fear.
For example
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,
due to
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 inflation, many Asian students are moving to foreign nations to seek higher education when they move from their motherland to a new region they face many difficulties and one of them is that many are unable to cook. So, they rely on junk food
that is
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 harmful to their health and suffer a lot. If these subjects should be added to their curriculum they prove advantageous for many students.
Moreover
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, those who are saying that they must be excluded from the syllabus. They are actually creating hurdles for them. They are dependent on others for their work and they continuously focus on their studies
hence
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became
Wrong verb form
become
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 a bookworm lose their physical health and become couch
potato
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potatoes
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.
Therefore
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, they must add subjects other than academics so they can learn other
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 to survive independently on
this
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 planet. In conclusion, It is true that
due to
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 continuous pressure, young people are under consideration to be successful in their lives.
Therefore
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, many say that they should remove the other co-curricular
activities
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 like games and cookery classes. It badly affect their appearance they are not fully confident and depends on other for their task
hence
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 it is important to create balance and try to teach the young individuals about other daily base
activities
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. So, they can learn other skills and by doing exercise maintain their fitness level.

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task response
Ensure that the response fully addresses all parts of the task, presents a well-developed response, and supports main points with relevant, specific examples.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a generally clear and coherent progression of ideas, but could benefit from improved transitional devices for smoother and clearer connections between sentences and paragraphs.
lexical resource
The range of vocabulary is sufficient, but there are instances of repetition and imprecise word choice. Try to use a wider variety of vocabulary and expressions to enhance coherence and cohesion.
grammatical range
The essay displays a variety of complex sentence structures, but there are issues with punctuation, subject-verb agreement, and word choice. To improve, focus on sentence structure and grammatical accuracy.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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