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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph and pie chart below show information on crime in the UK for the last year. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph and pie chart below show information on crime in the UK for the last year. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#line #show #information #crime #uk #year #summarise #features #comparisons
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The diagrams
compares
Change the verb form
compare
show examples
crime
Use synonyms
 rates with various ages
as well as
Linking Words
 the types of
crime
Use synonyms
 in the United Kingdom in the
preceeding
Correct your spelling
preceding
 year. It is immediately apparent from the line graph that adolescents were involved in more criminal activities. From the pie
chart
Add a comma
,chart
show examples
it is clear that
Linking Words
 violent
crime
Use synonyms
 formed the majority of criminal acts
whereas
Linking Words
 public order
crimes
Use synonyms
 were the least. With regards to the line graph,
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
show examples
 rate stood at 0 at the age of
8years
Correct your spelling
8 years
. It
however
Linking Words
 rose gradually to about 5
tens
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
crimes
Use synonyms
 between ages 8 and 12. Interestingly, at 12
years
Use synonyms
, it made a sharp rise reaching 70
tens
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
 involving
16-
Correct your spelling
16 years
years
Use synonyms
- olds.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there was a steady increase in criminal activities plummeting at 80
tens
Use synonyms
 of
thousands
Use synonyms
 among people aged 20
years
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, beyond
this
Linking Words
 age,
crime
Use synonyms
 rates plunged to 20
tens
Use synonyms
 of
thousands
Use synonyms
 at 28
years
Use synonyms
. The subsequent ages committed
crimes
Use synonyms
 at a steady rate falling to fewer than 10
tens
Use synonyms
 of
thousands
Use synonyms
violence
Change preposition
in violence
show examples
. Turning to the pie image, violent activities were noted to make
nearly
Change preposition
up nearly
show examples
 50% of all
crime
Use synonyms
 rates. Half as many
as
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the people who committed violent
crimes
Use synonyms
 were involved in property stealing.
Also
Linking Words
, drug handlers were just overly double the individuals who indulged in public order
crimes
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by nmaureen03 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words crime, crimes, years, tens, thousands with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • The line graph depicts
  • The pie chart illustrates
  • reveals
  • displays
  • depicts
  • the trend of
  • the overall crime rate
  • steadily decreased
  • the distribution of
  • different types of crime
  • prevalent
  • accounts for
  • the most common crime
  • followed by
  • make up
  • a smaller proportion of
  • the total crimes
  • a smaller percentage
  • approximately
  • the remaining percentage
  • It is important to note that
  • reflects
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