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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #prison #citizens #teenagers #dangers #crime
Some
people
 believe that the past prisoners who, after exiting, have become an example in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society,
they’re
Correct pronoun usage
’re
show examples
 the best options to be the ones who talk to teenagers warning the problems,
consequently
of
Change preposition
apply
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executing a crime. I totally agree with
this
 opinion, as these old criminals have experienced terrible years in jail, and teenagers could be in similar situations. First of all, the most important argument is the fact that these
people
 who talk to young guys have had a personal experience, which helps
giving
Change the verb form
to give
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precised
Correct your spelling
precise
 details of the horrible times in
prison
,
trials
Correct word choice
and trials
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, …
For
example
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example,
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 a murderer
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 is regretful of his actions after his
prison
 exit
,
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apply
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 could tell the teens the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of friends and
people
 you lose, the terrifying violence in
prison
 rounded my many murderers and rapists.
As a result
 of these talks, the teenagers reflect and understand the problem a crime provides.
Secondly
, adolescents may find it easier to relate to someone who has gone through a similar path. The lawbreakers
have had
Verb problem
were
show examples
 the same age as the young listeners, so they could explain the feelings and thoughts they had at their age,
therefore
 will provoke that the audience
is
Change the verb form
to be
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 attentive and focused on what
they’re
Wrong verb form
they were
show examples
 saying.
For example
, a boy who has already had many problems listens to the talk and compares it to his situation and would warn him and think about it before pursuing the wrong life path. To summarize, I hardly agree with the fact that the
people
 who have been in
prison
 and
then
 have become great examples, give talks to adolescents.
This
 is because these
people
 would tell their personal stories, would have a big weight
likewise
 that the listeners could relate their past actions with the
criminal’s
Change noun form
criminals
show examples
 and would provoke a deep reflection before committing any illegal act.
Submitted by santos_dij on

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task achievement
Provide more examples and specific details to support your arguments.
lexical resource
Consider using more precise vocabulary and varied sentence structures.
grammatical range accuracy
Use a wider range of grammatical structures and ensure accuracy.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a consistent formal tone throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
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