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Band 6.5

Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction? Do you agree or disagree?

#salary #job #satisfaction
Some
individuals
 argue that acquiring a substantial income is more crucial than finding fulfilment in one's job. From my perspective, I completely agree that finding job satisfaction is more important than pursuing high-paying positions. To commence, higher-paying
jobs
 often come with various stress-inducing factors.
For instance
,
such
 positions usually entail immense
pressure
, leading to stress and anxiety.
Consequently
,
individuals
 in these roles may experience health issues like high blood
pressure
as a result
 of
higher
Add a hyphen
higher-pressure
show examples
pressure
jobs
.
Moreover
, certain
jobs
 demand extended working hours, even on weekends when people should be spending time with their loved ones.
Initially
,
this
 may not be evident, but over time,
individuals
 may become isolated and some might even contemplate ending their lives
due to
 the loneliness brought about by
this
pressure
. For these reasons, earning a high salary does not always equate to personal well-being.
On the contrary
, employees tend to be more productive when they maintain a healthy
work
-life balance. It is evident that
individuals
 thriving in a pleasant
work
 environment are likely to stay with their employers until retirement.
This
 stability can significantly contribute to a company's success.
In addition
, people are less likely to resign frequently when they find contentment in their
jobs
.
Furthermore
,
individuals
 in a positive
work
 environment have ample time for their families, friends, and even community engagements.
Thus
, it is evident that having a fulfilling
work
 atmosphere holds greater advantages for
individuals
. In conclusion,
while
 a good salary is advantageous, it does not necessarily translate to a better
overall
 quality of life.
It is clear that
 a positive
work
 environment offers greater rewards than merely pursuing high-paying positions.
Submitted by kokozay on

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task achievement
Provide a clear thesis statement in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Use more transitional phrases to improve the overall coherence.
task achievement
Expand on the personal well-being aspect in the first body paragraph with additional examples or explanations.
task achievement
Consider using specific examples in the second body paragraph to support the idea of a pleasant work environment.
coherence cohesion
Provide a stronger conclusion by restating the thesis and summarizing main points.
lexcial resource
Consider using a more formal tone and academic language throughout the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • remuneration
  • financial security
  • motivation
  • luxuries
  • material possessions
  • fulfillment
  • work-life balance
  • stress levels
  • mental well-being
  • job security
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