IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many countries have compulsary military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #compulsary #service #men #school #idea #system #women
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many young men are obliged to serve in
military
Add an article
the military
show examples
 after their
high-school
Correct your spelling
high school
show examples
 in several countries
such
Linking Words
 as North Korea and Israel. The idea of compulsory military
service
Use synonyms
 is often recommended for all countries by including both men and women, primarily to
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 a strong sense of nationality in them. I find
this
Linking Words
 proposition ludicrous, irrespective of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gender, and my disapproving stance is grounded in the principles of independent choice and the concern for
loss
Add an article
the loss
show examples
 of innovative productivity, which are discussed in the ensuing paragraphs.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mandatory enlistment in
army
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
 throttles one's autonomy of choice
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and can lead to frustration, as the individual can feel coerced into doing something he/she is utterly uninterested in. A study by
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
show examples
 psychologists from Columbia University, which showed
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 correlation between teenage coercion and chronic dissatisfaction, serves as compelling evidence
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 how
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
compulsory military
service
Use synonyms
 might lead to a nation full of residents with pernicious trauma.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the obligatory
service
Use synonyms
 significantly risks wasting
intelligence
Correct article usage
the intelligence
show examples
 of an entire class of graduating students. As high school graduates are full of ideas, and vigorously excited to pursue them, only universities, and not the military camps, will serve as sanctuaries to nourish them. Imagine how big of a loss it would have been if Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, who developed Windows and Facebook respectively at university, had been forced to join
military
Add an article
the military
show examples
 after high school potentially leading them to lose interest in their planned pursuit. In conclusion, owing to the possibility of unfulfilled sentiment among citizens
due to
Linking Words
 early coercion,
coupled with
Linking Words
 a probable loss of productive innovation it causes, compulsory military
service
Use synonyms
 after school can be extremely detrimental to a country.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I am critically vocal against the recommendation of enforcing
such
Linking Words
system
Correct article usage
a system
show examples
 in every country.
Submitted by swikritishrestha90 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: