IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that organising events like world cup and Olympic games can encourage adults to do exercise, while others say that there are other ways to encourage adults for doing exercise. discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #events #world #cup #olympic #games #adults #exercise
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many
sports
events
 like
World
Correct article usage
the World
show examples
 Cup and Olympic
games
Capitalize word
Games
show examples
 are held every year across the world.
While
 there are
people
 who believe that there is a positive correlation between accommodating those
events
 and
exhortation
Correct article usage
the exhortation
show examples
 of adults to be actively involved in
sports
activities
, others claim that there are more efficient alternatives to influence
people
 to do
sports
. It is my firm belief that each side has its own unparalleled impact on the
people
due
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
for many reasons,
however
 direct involvement in
activities
 rather than watching them would be much more effective
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 encouraging
people
.
To begin
 with, undeniably, one of the main reasons for organizing prevalent and sport-related
events
 is to attract the attention of adults,
thus
 influencing them to frequently participate in
events
 similar to those. As a vivid example of
this
, many gym associations officially reported a drastic increase in the number of
people
 who bought gym subscriptions right after the UFC (ultimate fighter championship) fights.
Therefore
, validating the fact that these
activities
 could inspire
people
 to commence sporting
activities
. On the one hand,
although
 organizing world-famous tournaments has proven to be a solid reason why
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
sympathy is being formed in
people
 to do
sports
, I think the efforts can amortize expediently
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if all the efforts are concentrated on certain alternatives. From my perspective, streaming motivational videos has a better chance of motivating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 who are in need of taking the first step into the gym.
For instance
, motivation through social media platforms is becoming a great tool to attract new customers and sustain the velocity of the development team.
To sum up
, even though arranging
sports
events
 is one of the contributors to the formation of interest in many
people
 to do more exercises, scrolling through the motivational videos has a better take off in comparison.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
lexical resource
Consider using a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range and accuracy
Ensure that your sentence structures are varied and effectively convey your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: