IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Hotel management has decided to upgrade the security in and around the campus. The management has sent out and opinion survey to see what residents would like to have as a new security measures. You are residing in a college hostel Opinion A: New HD night vision cameras covering the area around the campus Opinion B: Installing Biometric lock on the door

#hotel #management #security #campus #survey #residents #measures #college #hostel #hd #night #vision #cameras #area #b #biometric #door
According to
 my
prospective
Correct your spelling
perspective
show examples
, New
HD
night
vision
cameras
 should be installed for the safety of
hostel
Correct article usage
the hostel
show examples
campus
. Even though
, Biometric
Correct your spelling
a biometric
 lock on the door is
also
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
crucial.
However
, we can adjust without
smart
Add an article
a smart
show examples
 lock on the door for some time.
To begin
 with,
HD
night
vision
cameras
 are crucial for the security of the hostel
campus
 because
these camera
Change the determiner
this camera
these cameras
show examples
 will
surveilance
Correct your spelling
surveillance
 each and every corner of the hostel.
Consequently
,
this
 will hinder the possibility of theft and crime.
On the contrary
,
biometrics
Correct article usage
the biometrics
show examples
 lock is only suitable for the front entrance as
lock
Add an article
the lock
show examples
 can not save
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 corner of the
campus
.
Addition
Change preposition
In addition
show examples
 to
this
,
HD
night
vision
cameras
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
Artificial
Correct article usage
an Artificial
show examples
 intelligence feature with which
cameras
 can detect the face of
suspect
Correct article usage
a suspect
show examples
 even in the dark
night
.
Resultantly
Rephrase
As a result
show examples
, we can catch the suspect with the help of footage even after some time of crime.
While
Correct word choice
On
show examples
on the other hand
, Smart lock could
be break
Change the verb form
be broken
show examples
 easily and we can not get the clue of suspect if anybody
break
Change the verb form
breaks
show examples
 the lock and
invade
Change the verb form
invades
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
campus
.
By
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Concerning these reasons, I would prefer
HD
night
vision
cameras
 should be installed in and around the
campus
. Again,
this
 is my personal belief. I would accept the decision of management whatever will be made. I appreciate the opportunity to provide input
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 issue.
Submitted by turshantkumar99.10 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas in a more cohesive and structured manner.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary.
grammatical range accuracy
Improve your sentence structure and grammar.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: