IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are most successful. others believe that individuals who contribute to society like scientist and teacher are more successful. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #individuals #money #society #scientist #teacher
Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
, success is defined
to
Change preposition
as
show examples
 the
people
 who can make more
money
due to
life
 fulfilment. others say that
people
contribute
Correct pronoun usage
who contribute
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 would be more valuable in
life
. There are both perspectives that I will elaborate more
below
Change preposition
on below
show examples
. On the one hand,
people
 who can make more
money
enable
Wrong verb form
are able
show examples
 to fulfill their needs. Many purposes of
life
 would be realized by more spending
money
,
such
 as education and health. These are important aspects for
people
 to have a better
life
.
Firstly
, Parents who send their children to excellent
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and private
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 generate a
competive
Correct your spelling
competitive
 individual in the future.
Secondly
, Having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regular health treatment could
give
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
benefit
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their body and
avoid
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
 them
to get
Change preposition
from getting
show examples
 serious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
;
therefore
, they are happier to run their
life
.
On the other hand
, contribution to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 is more priority than having a lucrative salary. When
people
 dedicate their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to
give
Verb problem
having
show examples
 a positive impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
, they have been being successful. It is because those
people
 are not only thinking about themselves but
also
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have a desire to give a sense of hope.
For instance
, in remote
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
, some teachers are struggling to educate
people
 in the class
although
 they are paid low for the profession.
However
,
this
 moment gives
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
hope
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the families who send their children to study for a better
life
. In conclusion,
Indeed
Rephrase
apply
show examples
having a lot of
money
 can
serve
Verb problem
provide
show examples
people
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 many opportunities in
life
.
However
, the important indicator is about how much positive impact to
society
 that
people
 can bring to create an
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
 towards
society
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Provide a clear introduction and conclusion to your essay.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your points.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: