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Writing Samples
Band 7

Jenny is conducting a research project on cell phone use. The chart shows the percentage of students, and parents of students, at Jenny’s school who owned cell phone over a 14 year period. The table provides the cell phone ownership rate nationwide over the same timeframe.

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The table summarizes the total percentage of people nationally who owned a
phone
Use synonyms
 between the years 2002 to 2016.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the line graph compares the
cell
Use synonyms
phone
Use synonyms
ownership
Use synonyms
 rates during the same time period, between
students
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
 at Jenny's school.
Overall
Linking Words
, the percentage of people who
owned
Wrong verb form
own
show examples
 a
phone
Use synonyms
 increased through the years. As evidently seen from the table, a greater increase in the
ownership
Use synonyms
 of
cell
Use synonyms
 phones can be seen from 2002 to 2010, when compared to 2010 to 2016, by 25% and 11% respectively.
Additionally
Linking Words
, over the years,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cell
Use synonyms
phone
Use synonyms
ownership
Use synonyms
 rates have increased for both
students
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
. The number of
students
Use synonyms
 who owned a
cell
Use synonyms
phone
Use synonyms
 drastically changed
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when compared to
parents
Use synonyms
. On the one hand ,
initially
Linking Words
, the rate of
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 owned by
students
Use synonyms
 increased gradually from 2002 to 2012, after which it skyrocketed by approximately 50 % from 2012 to 2016.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the number of
parents
Use synonyms
 who owned a
phone
Use synonyms
, gradually increased from 2002 to 2016 by roughly 30%.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, the
cell
Use synonyms
phone
Use synonyms
ownership
Use synonyms
 rate for
students
Use synonyms
 increased by nearly 75% during the same timeframe.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words phone, cell, ownership, students, parents with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ownership rate
  • nationwide
  • trajectory
  • demographic factors
  • societal factors
  • deviations
  • plateau
  • implications
  • technological advancements
  • social norms
  • economic factors
  • cell phone penetration
  • per capita
  • year-over-year increase
  • statistical analysis
  • trend comparison
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