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Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage poeple consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #poeple
Consuming foods and beverages which are rich in simple carbohydrates like glucose and sucrose, leads to many health issues in a society. Some
people
 believe in order to discourage
people
 from buying highly sweet products, these consumables should be charged at a high price. In my point of view,
this
 could be one method out of many to address the problem and others like imposing high taxes, increasing public awareness on high
sugar
 goods and their health consequences and labelling the
sugar
 contents in each
product
 can be
effiecient
Correct your spelling
efficient
 too. Making high sugary goods much
expensive
Correct quantifier usage
more expensive
show examples
 will make
people
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
think twice before they purchase because high sugary foods are not an essential item in most grocery lists as it is not a need but a want. In my country, the prices of cigarettes and alcohol keep continuously rising with the imposing of taxes each year.
This
 has led many chain smokers and other alcoholics to reduce their intake by force when they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
afford
Correct pronoun usage
afford it
show examples
. Including details about the
product
 is a necessity
according to
 the law, but many
people
 do not have the habit of reading labels before buying a
product
.
However
, having a colour code based on the
sugar
 content,
for example
, red being the highest, green and yellow being moderate and low levels of
sugar
 content respectively can catch the eyes of every buyer and give information regarding the
product
. Another example is that in Sri Lanka
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when making the label of a
cigarrette
Correct your spelling
cigarette
 packet, they should print images of
people
 who suffer from cancer.
Therefore
, labelling plays a huge role in encouraging or discouraging a customer from buying the
product
. The government can
also
 use strategies like increasing knowledge of the society by educating about the health benefits of a balanced diet and regular
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 and involving
this
 information in the school curriculum from
young
Add an article
a young
show examples
 age. In conclusion, making
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
sugar
 products expensive will not individually address the issue because
people
 who can afford them will still tend to buy them, but indulging other strategies as
well
Rephrase
apply
show examples
will make the community educated and choose healthier habits which will eventually lead to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthier nation.
Submitted by Tharinee on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction should clearly state the writer's opinion on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate the writer's opinion.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
grammatical range accuracy
Check punctuation and capitalization errors.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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