IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line chart shows average attendance at the cinema among various age groups in the Great Britain from 1984 to 2000.

The line chart shows average attendance at the cinema among various age groups in the Great Britain from 1984 to 2000.
#line #attendance #cinema #age #groups #britain
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The line graph illustrates the percentages of
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 audience who attend to watch
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
 in the cinema between 2000 and 2011 in the UK.
Overall
Linking Words
,
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
all kinds of
age
Use synonyms
 groups exhibited an escalating trend throughout the period.
While
Linking Words
 the population from 15 to 24
years
Use synonyms
 old was the dominant
group
Use synonyms
 for each year, the 35 and higher
years
Use synonyms
 old category was the least significant
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 compared to its counterparts over the decade. The two
age
Use synonyms
 groups were followed a similar ups and downs that are the 7-14
years
Use synonyms
 old and the 25-35
years
Use synonyms
 old. In 2000, the ratio of 7-14
years
Use synonyms
 old was 10%,
then
Linking Words
 it fluctuated in the next 4
years
Use synonyms
 before inclining to 30%. After a slight drop in 2008s, it jumped to a peak of below 40% in 2010 before falling to 30% in 2011. The 25-35
years
Use synonyms
 old population
also
Linking Words
 demonstrated
likely
Correct article usage
a likely
show examples
 trend,
although
Linking Words
 its first and second peak
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
occured
Correct your spelling
occurred
 a little bit earlier.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the 35 and plus
years
Use synonyms
 old
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 showed consistent improvement over the 10
years
Use synonyms
started
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 at almost 1% in 2010. Eventually, it passed to 10% barrier in
2009s
Correct your spelling
2009
.
Conversely
Linking Words
, from 15 to 24
years
Use synonyms
 old
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 was dramatically inclined to nearly 40% in 2006. After fluctuating at
jsut
Correct your spelling
just
 below 40% until 2008, it rocketed to over %50 in 2009.
Submitted by historicalpen on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: