The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The pie chart compares the results of a public by two different ages and what made them the happiest.
Overall
, it can be seen that
,
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the majority of both
of
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age groups would be happy
in
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with
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achievement at work,
however
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however,
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they would be happy the least in other factors. When It comes to
to
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People
who are under 30,
the
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most of them would be happy when they achieved something at work and it constituted
at
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31%. As for
people
who were older 30
this
made up 32%. Doing hobbies was the second major thing that could
made
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make
be made
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happy
both
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for both
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ages, at 22% and 24% respectively. With regards to
people
younger
30
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than 30
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, Having a good appearance and travelling made them happy at 18% and 15% in turn. And financial security was more popular than being with family among
people
older
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than 30years
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30years
Correct your spelling
30 years
old with 20% and 14% respectively.
Finally
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other factors comprised
at
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apply
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14% for
whom
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those
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under 30 and 10% for
whom
Correct pronoun usage
those
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older
30
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than 30
show examples
Submitted by @ur_davrik on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • age groups
  • responses
  • happiness factors
  • participants
  • contribute
  • compare
  • patterns
  • differences
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