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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The table below shows the percentage of the population by agw groups in one town who rode bicycles in 2001

The table below shows the percentage of the population by agw groups in one town who rode bicycles in 2001
#percentage #population #agw #groups #town #bicycles
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The table below
expose
Change the verb form
exposes
show examples
 the percentages of
resident
Add an article
the resident
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 through
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 who rode
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bicycles
Use synonyms
 in one city in the year
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2011. In an overview, there are 2 very noticeable features.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there are
highest
Correct word choice
higher
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 percentage of
females
Use synonyms
 at all ages than
males
Use synonyms
Correct pronoun usage
who rode
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rode
Wrong verb form
ride
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bicycles
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the points of people
rode
Correct pronoun usage
who rode
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bicycles
Use synonyms
 between 18 and 59
both
Change preposition
for both
show examples
 genders were lower than for other
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
. In detail,
females
Use synonyms
 have a
highly
Change the adverb
high
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 point with around 51.3
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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.
This
Linking Words
 is
in contrast
Linking Words
 with the
males
Use synonyms
, nearly 2
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 more than
them
Correct pronoun usage
those
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 who cycled in the
age
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groups
Use synonyms
 between 0-9 and 10-17. People between 18 and 59 ages rode
bicycles
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 less than other
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is in
females
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
between 12.3 and 17.1
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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, but in
Use synonyms
males
Add a comma
males,
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this
Linking Words
 is less nearly 2 times with around 9.7 and 8.0 .
In contrast
Linking Words
 , the
females
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 and
males
Use synonyms
 of
cyclist's
Change noun form
cyclists
show examples
 both percentages have risen a few
than
Correct quantifier usage
more than
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 written above with about 18.5 and 13.2
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
aged 60+ . 155 words.
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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in contrast".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups, bicycles, females, males, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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