It is the responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Providing pension funds
have
become an inclination for all but Correct subject-verb agreement
has
people
in recent times due to
the financial security reason in retirement
age. The management of allocating the budget which is separated from whole
income is a responsibility not only for the individuals but Correct article usage
the whole
also
the
government.
Change preposition
for the
According to
the savings function, the government tax
scheme may become a conduit people's
income to Change preposition
for people's
retirement
cost planning. The percentage of the tax
could vary from income range,
and seem plausible divided in the progressive scheme. Remove the comma
apply
Thus
, people
will have no choices, except paying
the Change the verb form
to pay
tax
. Moreover
, the government’s role plays a pivotal role to ensure
that the distribution of the Change preposition
in ensuring
retirement
fund to the retiree is fairly enough.
The obligation of the government’s role as retirement
provider is likely still opaque and debatable. But if we look out Correct article usage
a retirement
in
several developed countries, Change preposition
at
such
as Norway, Finland, and Sweden, the taxpayers need to allocate a budget for retirement
cost
in Fix the agreement mistake
costs
tax
that they pay annually. Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
This
act provide
Change the verb form
provides
better
preemptive way to avert compulsive Add an article
a better
behavior
and to promote Change the spelling
behaviour
thrifty
one. Correct article usage
a thrifty
Furthermore
, it may be a burden for some people
, but the impending problems that may transpire in the future when the taxpayers not allocating
the pension fund as soon as possibleWrong verb form
allocate
,
Remove the comma
apply
seems
more burdening.
In conclusion, Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
retirement
savings is a way to provide financial security for the retiree when they are unable to work or choose to retire at an early age. The government’s function is important to force the workers to save some budgets in retirement
. Yet, the people
have to provide enough money to pay their “debt” for
Change preposition
apply
it
. The Correct pronoun usage
apply
retirement
fee scheme may not be simple but is needed along the way to prevent the pressure in the country and relative
to fund the elderly who do not have any money or Correct word choice
apply
retirement
budgetCorrect article usage
a retirement
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, but the body paragraphs need to maintain a more consistent focus on the central topic. Ensure each paragraph centers on a key argument related to the statement presented. Furthermore, the introduction could have a stronger thesis statement clearly outlining your position.
logical structure
You have displayed an adequate sense of coherence by connecting ideas, but there is room for improvement in the logical structure. Aim to create a smoother flow of ideas by using cohesive devices and making clearer connections between points. It would be beneficial to revise the essay for transitional phrases or conjunctions that enhance readability.
supported main points
Some paragraphs support the main points with explanations, but you should incorporate more focused and relevant examples or evidence to each point you are making. To raise this score, use specific and targeted examples that directly relate to the topic and back up your arguments, which will help in illustrating your points clearly.
complete response
While the essay attempts to address the topic, there is a need for more concise and targeted responses to the statement. Refrain from introducing peripheral ideas that dilute the strength of your arguments. Aim for a more direct response to the statement, articulating your stance thoroughly.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay conveys a range of ideas related to the prompt, yet there is room for enhancing clarity. Work on distilling your thoughts and presenting them in a more straightforward manner. Avoid overcomplicated expressions and ensure that each paragraph conveys a clear and single idea that contributes to your overall argument.
relevant specific examples
While some general examples are provided, more specific and relevant examples that are directly tied to the topic would enhance the essay. Demonstrating real-world applications or citing concrete instances will go a long way to reinforce your arguments and provide clarity to your viewpoints.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example