the pie graphs below show the result of survey of children’s activities. The first graphs shows the culture and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate

the pie graphs below show the result of survey of children’s activities. The first graphs shows the culture and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate
The pie charts display the findings from the research carried out on how much males and females carry out different leisure and cultural activities.
Overall
,it is evident from the diagrams that
while
the boys loved playing computer games the most,the girls were more interested in Dancing.
To begin
with, Boys participated more in Computer games at nearly
one fifth
Add a hyphen
one-fifth
show examples
,but just
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of the males
figure
Verb problem
apply
show examples
played games.
Also
,Dancing was
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
major hobby for ladies
while
the other gender
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
not dance at all but
they prefer
Wrong verb form
preferred
show examples
playing basketball which was the second highest activity they did.
Furthermore
,Reading was another usual habit among the ladies at 21%,with just a small number in males at 2% hitting the bottom of the graph.The proportion of basketball and soccer in the boys was greater than that of gymnastics and netball in the girls.
Finally
,There was an equivalent number of both genders who enjoyed listening to music at 10%.
Submitted by bumzyakins on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participation rates
  • cultural and leisure activities
  • sociocultural factors
  • preference
  • influence
  • diverse range
  • examination
  • comparison
  • investigation
  • proposal
  • strategy
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