The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The pie charts illustrate, the youngster’s pastime activities based on a survey report.
Overall
, it is evident that male children spend more amount of
time
on sports and computer
games
,
conversely
, female children devote themselves more
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
activities like dancing and reading.
However
, listening to music gets
equal
Correct article usage
an equal
show examples
percentile
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
of
time
for both genders. In terms of male juniors’ participation in sports events, noticeably they spend more than
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of their free
time
behind different
games
like Basketball, soccer and skateboarding costing 26%, 17% and 11%, of the total share of
time
.
Similarly
, they
also
use more than
one third
Add a hyphen
one-third
show examples
portion of their
time
playing computer
games
. Strikingly, they spend negligible amount of
time
on reading.
Conversely
, female
juniors’
Change noun form
juniors
show examples
use a significant portion of their
time
on dancing and reading books with 27% and 21%, respectively.
Moreover
, they spend less than a half percentile of
time
playing computer
games
which is 16% than that of the males.
Submitted by asifiqbal1264 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "conversely".
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, games with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • gender difference
  • similar participation rates
  • traditional gender roles
  • trends
  • impact
  • parental influence
  • extracurricular activities
  • accessible
What to do next:
Look at other essays: