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Band 4

The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public service instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

#government #investment #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #funds #service
There is
a
Change the article
an
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 assortment of evidence that the authorities should finance
on
Change preposition
apply
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civil
services
 rather than in arts industries,
show
Wrong verb form
showing
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 businesses as they affect on wastage of budget. I strictly agree with
this
 fact and
i
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I
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 will discuss
about
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apply
show examples
my viewpoints in
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 paragraphs.
To begin
 with, nowadays, one of the most common factors why many folks during
the
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apply
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sudden emergency occasions, are not able to get first
aids
Fix the agreement mistake
aid
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 from public
services
, is the deficit of local healthcare
faclities
Correct your spelling
facilities
 or ambulance cars. There is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sudden increase in
death
Add an article
the death
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 rate
due to
 the issues above. Administrations have to take on their responsibility and have to fund huge
amount
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amounts
show examples
 of resources
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 public works. Regarding arts, yes,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
individuals
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of individuals
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 enjoy watching and listening some movies, shows,
stand ups
Add a hyphen
stand-ups
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 and
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
, but their careers
are
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also depend
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also
 depend
from
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on
show examples
 civil
services
 because any work they do requires health, safety and energy.
For example
,in 1990,
when
Rephrase
apply
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soviet comedian Artur Zakaryan, during his performance in Moscow suddenly lost
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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consciousness, and immediate first aid from doctors
were
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was
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 given,
consequently
 they saved his life.
Moreover
, It is common knowledge that
Correct article usage
the show
show examples
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 industry is
well paid
Add a hyphen
well-paid
show examples
 branch, as they get paid well from pay-per-views, advertisements and other extra marketing
services
.
To sum up
,
i
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I
show examples
totally
Add a missing verb
am totally
show examples
 keen on investing
on
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in
show examples
 public
services
, as
i
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I
show examples
 think that
show
Correct article usage
the show
show examples
 industry has enough
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
resources to feed themselves and organise their events and concerts. We have to always remember, that we live comfy by dint of doctors, local
governs
Replace the word
governments
show examples
 and
securities
Fix the agreement mistake
security
show examples
.
Submitted by kozhantaevisa on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion clearly state your position on the topic.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to improve your lexical resource.
grammatical range
Work on your sentence structure and grammar to improve your grammatical range.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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