In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree with this?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, the question
whether
Change preposition
of whether
show examples
personal
happiness
is achievable by family bonds and
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
with
colleagues
and
friends
or by job and
money
has drawn much attention from the public.
While
it is true that
relationships
are very important, I believe that
wealth
and
work
still play a vital role in personal
happiness
.
One
Correct your spelling
On
show examples
the one hand, strong
relationships
with family,
friends
, and
colleagues
contribute significantly
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
personal
happiness
. The main reason for
that is
supportive and loving
relationships
promote a sense of belonging and connection, owing to the fact that you never feel alone when you face challenges there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
someone
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
can protect you. Even though building and maintaining strong
relationships
require time, effort and communication,
everyone
can count on family and
friends
Change noun form
friends'
friend's
show examples
presence during any hardship and
happiest
Correct article usage
the happiest
show examples
time of their life.
Consequently
, having meaningful interaction with loved ones and
colleagues
can bring joy and fulfilment.
On the other hand
, the contribution of
work
and
wealth
to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal
happiness
is indispensable. To be more precise, as the world
becoming
Wrong verb form
becomes
show examples
borderless,
everyone
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
a job
as well as
money
to keep up with the
world
Change noun form
world's
show examples
changes and afford new things that are needed for new life standards.
Therefore
, it is obvious that having
money
can bring
everyone
satisfaction.
Although
work
and
wealth
often involve stress and pressure which can negatively impact personal
happiness
, without
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
and
money
the situation
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
even worse. In conclusion,
relationships
with family and
friends
and
colleagues
,
as well as
work
and
wealth
, both have a positive influence on personal
happiness
;
thus
,
everyone
should hold a balance between
theme
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
for the optimum benefits.
Submitted by Nastaran_zandy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Make sure to clearly state your position on the topic in the introduction and restate it in the conclusion.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammatical accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal happiness
  • strong relationships
  • family
  • friends
  • colleagues
  • work and wealth
  • temporary happiness
  • fulfilling
  • sense of belonging
  • connection
  • meaningful interactions
  • joy
  • fulfillment
  • building and maintaining
  • time and effort
  • communication
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balance
  • well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: