In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree with this?

#happiness #relationships #friends #colleagues #work #wealth

In recent years, the question

whether

Change preposition

of whether

show examples

personal

happiness

is achievable by family bonds and

relationship

Fix the agreement mistake

relationships

show examples

with

colleagues

and

friends

or by job and

money

has drawn much attention from the public.

While

it is true that

relationships

are very important, I believe that

wealth

and

work

still play a vital role in personal

happiness

One

Correct your spelling

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the one hand, strong

relationships

with family,

friends

, and

colleagues

contribute significantly

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show examples

personal

happiness

. The main reason for

that is

supportive and loving

relationships

promote a sense of belonging and connection, owing to the fact that you never feel alone when you face challenges there

are

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someone

that

Correct pronoun usage

who

show examples

can protect you. Even though building and maintaining strong

relationships

require time, effort and communication,

everyone

can count on family and

friends

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friends'

friend's

show examples

presence during any hardship and

happiest

Correct article usage

the happiest

show examples

time of their life.

Consequently

, having meaningful interaction with loved ones and

colleagues

can bring joy and fulfilment.

On the other hand

, the contribution of

work

and

wealth

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

personal

happiness

is indispensable. To be more precise, as the world

becoming

Wrong verb form

becomes

show examples

borderless,

everyone

need

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needs

show examples

a job

as well as

money

to keep up with the

world

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world's

show examples

changes and afford new things that are needed for new life standards.

Therefore

, it is obvious that having

money

can bring

everyone

satisfaction.

Although

work

and

wealth

often involve stress and pressure which can negatively impact personal

happiness

, without

job

Correct article usage

a job

show examples

and

money

the situation

become

Change the verb form

becomes

show examples

even worse. In conclusion,

relationships

with family and

friends

and

colleagues

as well as

work

and

wealth

, both have a positive influence on personal

happiness

;

thus

everyone

should hold a balance between

theme

Correct your spelling

them

show examples

for the optimum benefits.

Submitted by Nastaran_zandy on Sun Oct 29 2023

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coherence cohesion

Make sure to clearly state your position on the topic in the introduction and restate it in the conclusion.

task achievement

Provide more specific examples to support your points.

lexical resource

Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.

grammatical range

Pay attention to sentence structure and grammatical accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

271 words

5.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

personal happiness
strong relationships
family
friends
colleagues
work and wealth
temporary happiness
fulfilling
sense of belonging
connection
meaningful interactions
joy
fulfillment
building and maintaining
time and effort
communication
stress
pressure
balance
well-being

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In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree with this?

Fully explain your ideas

Millions of dollars are spent on space research every year. Some people argue that the money should be spent on improving living standards on Earth. Do you agree or disagree.

The leaders or directors of organizations are often elderly people. However, some say that young people can also take the lead of organizations or companies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

n the past, lectures were used as a way of teaching large numbers of students, but now with the development of technology for education, many people think there is no justification for attending lectures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people feel that entertainers (eg film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?