Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibility. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There are competing views on whether teenage
years
or adult
life
is better.
Although
during adulthood
people
enjoy more independence, I believe that they truly enjoy the phase of being in the
moment
. Being independent is one of the major factors that
contributes
Change the verb form
contribute
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
their happiness during adulthood.
This
is the time of their
life
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
when they have
freedom
Add an article
the freedom
show examples
to make their own decisions. When they help themselves in every way, it makes them confident and gives them contentment.
For instance
, being an adult when they do
job
Add an article
the job
a job
show examples
, earn money and manage their own expenses, all these things
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
them an internal satisfaction.
However
,
this
happiness cannot beat the level of happiness, they enjoy in their teenage. The teenage
years
,
on the other hand
, is the golden period of their
life
, as
people
value and enjoy the fact of enjoying the present
moment
. During
this
phase, they do not think much about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
past events or about the future.
Thus
, they cherish their present
moment
. A particularly good example of
this
is the
moment
when they wear any special dress without any special occasion, and just enjoy the attention they get from their peers or other
people
in society.
This
shows their innocence and purity.
For
this
reason, I believe that the teenage
years
are the most beautiful
years
in
people
's lives, where they believe that
life
has always something good to offer. In conclusion, I believe that the teenage period is the most precious time in
people
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
as they love their
true-self
Correct your spelling
true selves
show examples
, and adult
life
offers them an opportunity to live an independent
life
.
Submitted by meghnabawa91 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs for each view, and a clear conclusion stating your own viewpoint. Each body paragraph should have a clear main idea and be expanded with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to indicate the progression of ideas. Cohesion could be improved by using linking words and phrases to better connect the ideas within and between paragraphs.
task achievement
To score higher, work on developing fully supported main points with specific details and examples. The current essay lacks depth in the development of each view with specific examples supporting them.
coherence cohesion
Utilize more complex sentence structures and pay attention to grammatical accuracy for a higher score. Consistent control of grammar and punctuation is critical for achieving a high band score in IELTS Writing.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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