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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #benefit
Retirement
 is the
time
 when someone who
work
Change the verb form
works
show examples
 has reached
certain
Add an article
a certain
show examples
 age of the limit of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
productivity. To prepare the
retirement
, individuals need to ensure that they are financially and mentally prepared for the changes that come with no longer working. Commonly the
retirement
 age in Indonesia is about 56-65 years. For some institutions they let their employee to take the early
retirement
. There are some advantages to
retire
Wrong verb form
retiring
show examples
 at
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
 age.
First,
they can have more leisure
time
 for doing personal things or spent with family.
Second,
by using available
time
 for personal activities like hobbies and other activities that couldn’t be done when working, they can explore new skills or self-potential. The moment is the appropriate
time
 to recognize themselves better.
Third,
they can develop
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
 passion that allows them to embrace and experience a
truly
Change the adverb
true
show examples
 life
according to
 their interests.
Lastly
,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 who
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 tough
work
Correct word choice
physical work
show examples
 physically, need to rest earlier to maintain their
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 and preserve them from
burn out
Correct your spelling
burnout
show examples
. These kinds of
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 are mining
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
, construction
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
,
Fix the agreement mistake
athletes
show examples
athlete
Fix the agreement mistake
athletes
show examples
, etc.
In contrast
, there are several disadvantages
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 taking the pension earlier. Commonly,
calculation
Add an article
the calculation
a calculation
show examples
pension
Change preposition
of pension
show examples
 fund
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
using
working
Correct article usage
a working
show examples
 period.
Therefore
, the less long of the working period will reduce the amount of pension
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
.
Pensioner
Fix the agreement mistake
Pensioners
show examples
 will receive a monthly income less than the earnings of
they
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 who work until
maximum
Correct article usage
the maximum
show examples
 working period.
Thereby
Rephrase
Therefore
show examples
, workers need to consider these two aspects
for
Change preposition
before
show examples
 deciding the end of their term of employment. They deserve early
retirement
 if they have prepared.
Submitted by work.shabrinawarastri on

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task response
Ensure that the essay clearly addresses all aspects of the prompt, including the question of whether having a set retirement age for everybody is fair or unfair.
coherence cohesion
Improve the introduction and conclusion to provide a clear structure and a strong thesis statement.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices to enhance the essay's lexical resource.
grammatical range
Pay closer attention to grammar and sentence structure to improve the essay's grammatical range.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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