Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and insterets whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Interviewers sometimes ask for personal
data
from the
people
who applied for the
job
. Including the hobbies they have, their interests and
the
Change the word
their
show examples
marriage status. Others say that
this
data
may be appropriate and beneficial. Others disagree. In my opinion, personal information should be always private unless the
job
position can be improved with
these
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
data
. Knowing personal
data
about the employee can be dangerous. Many companies use these private details to lower the income or to increase the working hours.
For example
, a company can set a different salary with the same position because one worker is
maried
Correct your spelling
married
and the other is single.
Therefore
,
people
who are seeking
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
jobs have to be careful about sharing their personal information.
On the other hand
, relevant personal
data
can improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working outcomes and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
satisfaction. To illustrate, HR managers can provide a working position
that is
suited
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
worker
Change noun form
worker's
show examples
hobbies and social life.
Therefore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
satisfaction can be improved which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
to better outcomes
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the employees. I believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal
data
can be helpful but
people
have to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
of the company history before providing
these information
Change the determiner
this information
show examples
because it may used inappropriately and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may harm the employee in the long term or the short term. In conclusion, personal
data
can be used in inappropriate ways by companies and
people
must be aware of that.
However
, these private details about the employee can improve the
job
satisfaction and it may boost the outcomes of the work.
Submitted by ibrakh80 on

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task response
Your essay addresses both views and presents your opinion clearly. Well done!
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is good. However, make sure to connect your ideas more effectively.
lexical resource
Your essay displays a good range of vocabulary. To improve, try using more specific and precise vocabulary.
grammatical range
Your grammar is generally accurate, but pay attention to verb agreement and article usage.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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