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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some parents believe that their children should do educational activities during their free time. Others say that in this way children are under pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Education has become the top priority for everyone nowadays. Most guardians believe that learning tasks ought to be incorporated into their offspring's free time,
whereas
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 others vocalise by adding that doing so creates a sense of burden on these young minds. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I will discuss the above-stated notions in detail and will explain why I opine that amalgamation of
study
Use synonyms
 and leisure is the best way to tackle
this
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.
To begin
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 with, most caretakers think that imposing learning activities
in
Change preposition
during
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 the break period is important to achieve academic excellence.
According to
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 them, it could particularly aid in scoring higher grades but in
reality
Add a comma
reality,
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 it creates too much pressure on their children's
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
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.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a survey, more than two-thirds of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents believe that children
to
Change preposition
apply
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should educate themselves in their free time
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also
Rephrase
too
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.
Hence
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,
this
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 could worsen their school performance.
On the other hand
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, the majority of them differ by adding that
this
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 scenario builds up a sense of burden
amongst
Change preposition
among
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 these youngsters.
Break free
Add a hyphen
Break-free
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study
Use synonyms
 can have disastrous consequences on the children's brain health like juvenile anxiety and depression. To illustrate, about 15 per cent of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school going
Add a hyphen
school-going
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 youngsters suffer from undiagnosed mental illnesses like childhood depression and many more. I opine that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 to achieve maximum academic potential, an amalgamation of
study
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 and leisure activities like playing and reading comics, should be instilled by all the caretakers. In
this
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 way, the brain not only gets time to re-energize but
also
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increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
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 its performance to a greater extent.
For example
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, the Ministry of Education has made it
compulsary
Correct your spelling
compulsory
 for all guardians to incorporate the idea of breaks into their child's
study
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 schedule to maintain the equilibrium.
To sum up
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, more and more parents will try to maximise their offspring's academic performance by making them
study
Use synonyms
 day and night. It's the guardian's responsibility to realise the importance of breaks in between learning hours for letting their child's nurturing
minds
Fix the agreement mistake
mind
show examples
 grow to its full potential.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical order.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to include a clear introduction and conclusion in your essay.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your points.
lexical resource
Pay attention to word choice and use a wider range of vocabulary.
grammatical range
Work on using a variety of complex sentence structures to showcase your grammatical range.
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