IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Write about the following topic: A government’s role is only to provide defense capability and urban infrastructure (roads, water supplies, etc.). All other services (education, health, social security) should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#topic #government’s #role #defense #capability #infrastructure #roads #water #supplies #services #education #health #security #groups #individuals #community
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some
people
 believe that the
government
 should provide
services
 of education, health, and social security,
while
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others insist that it must be provided by private
groups
. Even if many
people
 are satisfied with the
services
 by private
groups
 it will increase the discrimination between the wealthy and poor
people
. First of all, if the
services
 are provided by private
groups
,
then
 the
quality
 of
services
 will improve because there will be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
competition between private communities.
For instance
, the United States is renowned for
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 medical service is superior
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 any other
countries
Fix the agreement mistake
country
show examples
. Many
people
 who suffer from sickness are gathered in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
America
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because the medical technology in there is much
advanced
Correct quantifier usage
more advanced
show examples
 than
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 countries. Even if their service
quality
 is great to believe, there is a fatal
disadavantage
Correct your spelling
disadvantage
 which is
expensive
Add an article
the expensive
an expensive
show examples
 expense. The
government
 should ensure their citizenship by educating, providing
environment
Add an article
an environment
the environment
show examples
 for mental and physical health and providing proper treatment.
On the other hand
, Not only
the
Add a missing verb
do the
show examples
services
 from the private
groups
 require high
quality
 but
also
 the expense is high.
People
 who are in difficult economic circumstances,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can'
t
 pay for the expense of the
services
.
For instance
, Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Americans can'
t
 go to the hospital easily because they aren'
t
 affordable the money. Even
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 are
people
 who die because they couldn'
t
 get
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
proper treatment
due to
 the
lacking
Replace the word
lack
show examples
 of money. It follows the results of
ranks
Correct article usage
the ranks
show examples
 of the
people
 divided by economic situations and it will provoke
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
discrimination and struggles between the wealthy and poor
people
.
To sum up
,
although
services
 provided by the private group will ensure the high
quality
 of
services
, I
whould
Correct your spelling
would
 never choose the first choice. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it
also
 means that the
government
 can'
t
 be responsible for the
people
 who have fewer resources. The
government
 should protect the
quality
 of life and happiness of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals, and providing
services
 by
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 would play a significant role
to realize
Change preposition
in realizing
show examples
 it.
Submitted by soyuyu9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction & Conclusion
The essay does not have a clear introduction or conclusion. To improve, make sure to begin with an introduction that paraphrases the question and ends with a clear opinion. In the conclusion, restate the opinion and summarize the main points of the discussion.
Paragraphing & Main Ideas
The organization of ideas could be improved by using paragraphs effectively to separate different points. Also, make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by explanation and example.
Supporting Details
More specific examples and details are needed to support the statements. General claims should be supported by more precise information or real-world examples to make the argument stronger.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: