IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

A government’s role is only to provide defense capability and urban infrastructure (roads, water supplies, etc.). All other services (education, health, social security) should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#government’s #role #defense #capability #infrastructure #roads #water #supplies #services #education #health #security #groups #individuals #community
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 should provide
services
Use synonyms
 of education, health, and social security,
while
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others insist that it must be provided by private
groups
Use synonyms
. Even if many
people
Use synonyms
 are satisfied with the
services
Use synonyms
 by private
groups
Use synonyms
 it will increase the discrimination between the wealthy and poor
people
Use synonyms
. First of all, if the
services
Use synonyms
 are provided by private
groups
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 the
quality
Use synonyms
 of
services
Use synonyms
 will improve because there will be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
competition between private communities.
For instance
Linking Words
, the United States is renowned for
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 medical service is superior
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 any other
countries
Fix the agreement mistake
country
show examples
. Many
people
Use synonyms
 who suffer from sickness are gathered in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
America
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because the medical technology in there is much
advanced
Correct quantifier usage
more advanced
show examples
 than
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 countries. Even if their service
quality
Use synonyms
 is great to believe, there is a fatal
disadavantage
Correct your spelling
disadvantage
 which is
expensive
Add an article
the expensive
an expensive
show examples
 expense. The
government
Use synonyms
 should ensure their citizenship by educating, providing
environment
Add an article
an environment
the environment
show examples
 for mental and physical health and providing proper treatment.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, Not only
the
Add a missing verb
do the
show examples
services
Use synonyms
 from the private
groups
Use synonyms
 require high
quality
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 the expense is high.
People
Use synonyms
 who are in difficult economic circumstances,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can'
t
Use synonyms
 pay for the expense of the
services
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Americans can'
t
Use synonyms
 go to the hospital easily because they aren'
t
Use synonyms
 affordable the money. Even
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 are
people
Use synonyms
 who die because they couldn'
t
Use synonyms
 get
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
proper treatment
due to
Linking Words
 the
lacking
Replace the word
lack
show examples
 of money. It follows the results of
ranks
Correct article usage
the ranks
show examples
 of the
people
Use synonyms
 divided by economic situations and it will provoke
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
discrimination and struggles between the wealthy and poor
people
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
services
Use synonyms
 provided by the private group will ensure the high
quality
Use synonyms
 of
services
Use synonyms
, I
whould
Correct your spelling
would
 never choose the first choice. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it
also
Linking Words
 means that the
government
Use synonyms
 can'
t
Use synonyms
 be responsible for the
people
Use synonyms
 who have fewer resources. The
government
Use synonyms
 should protect the
quality
Use synonyms
 of life and happiness of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals, and providing
services
Use synonyms
 by
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 would play a significant role
to realize
Change preposition
in realizing
show examples
 it.
Submitted by soyuyu9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction & Conclusion
The essay does not have a clear introduction or conclusion. To improve, make sure to begin with an introduction that paraphrases the question and ends with a clear opinion. In the conclusion, restate the opinion and summarize the main points of the discussion.
Paragraphing & Main Ideas
The organization of ideas could be improved by using paragraphs effectively to separate different points. Also, make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by explanation and example.
Supporting Details
More specific examples and details are needed to support the statements. General claims should be supported by more precise information or real-world examples to make the argument stronger.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: