IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

New household appliances have resulted in more free time for women and has enabled them to both work and run a home with dependent children. What are the advantages for a family when the mother works? Do you think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

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With the advent of technology, modern
home
Use synonyms
 gadgets have entitled women to perform
jobs
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while
Linking Words
 simultaneously taking care of their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
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 in
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
show examples
time
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.
Although
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 a working mother can bring extra cash to the
home
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, I opine that there are more demerits linked to the above-stated notion than merits. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I will discuss it in detail with suitable examples.
To begin
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 with,
womens
Correct your spelling
women
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 are exceptionally good at
time
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 management, making them the perfect candidates for various
jobs
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. The fact that going for
jobs
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help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them step outside their
home
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 and
additionally
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 helps them to attain financial stability for their
home
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.
For instance
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, the families where a mother is working live more luxuriously when compared to non-working ones.
On the other hand
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, a woman is the backbone of any family. Still, a major chunk of their
time
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 is invested in their
jobs
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 making them unavailable in their hours of need. They play an immense role in the upbringing of their children by not only instilling good manners into their kids but
also
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 by preparing them to face the challenges of life. To illustrate, children of working mothers especially tend to create worse outcomes in their lives academically
as well as
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 economically, plus do not hold any family values.
To sum up
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,
however
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, the introduction of modern house gadgets has empowered women to work and take care of their young ones at the same
time
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 and it will
further
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 promote housewives to do
jobs
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. It's the mother's responsibility to choose between her family's future or money and I believe that in any scenario family comes first.

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coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, your essay appears to be generally logical but lacks a strong clear, consistent progression of ideas. Make sure to structure your essay in a way that each paragraph flows naturally to the next, and use cohesive devices appropriately.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be more effectively developed. The introduction should clearly state your position and outline the points you will discuss, while the conclusion should succinctly summarize your arguments and restate your position.
coherence cohesion
While you have attempted to support your main points, the support could be strengthened with more detailed examples and clearer explanations that are directly relevant to the question.
task achievement
You have addressed the task, but your response is incomplete, as you haven't fully explored the advantages of a working mother, focusing predominantly on the disadvantages. Be sure to address all parts of the prompt in a balanced manner.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear, yet the response is not comprehensive enough and would benefit from a broader range of ideas about the advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
Specific examples should be used to illustrate your points more effectively, but ensure they are directly relevant to the topic and support your argument.
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