IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #think #activities #child’s #health
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These
days’
Correct your spelling
days
show examples
 children spend a
lot
Use synonyms
 of time watching TV and playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.
So some
Rephrase
Some
show examples
 people think that these
activities
Use synonyms
 are beneficial for
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 mental health,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that these
activities
Use synonyms
 are not useful and may destroy their mental health.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both sides and will draw my personal conclusion. On one hand, TVs and
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are the most effective sources for children.
However
Linking Words
, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of parents may think that these
activities
Use synonyms
comes
Change the verb form
come
show examples
 with
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
negative impacts
such
Linking Words
 as time-wasting, bad attitudes and destructions.
For example
Linking Words
, when you give the child all the opportunities to watch every channel on TV or all the
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 that are not for kids which contain a
lot
Use synonyms
 of blood and bad words that may be harmful to kid's mental health.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of families think that these
activities
Use synonyms
 are good for their kids,
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that they will have more knowledge and
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 fun at the same time. To illustrate, when you want to teach your child the alphabet, they will not be focused enough.
However
Linking Words
, when you let them watch it as
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
entertainment they will have fun and they will understand.
For instance
Linking Words
, when you
want
Add the particle
want to
show examples
 teach your kid every day he/she will get bored and will stop listening and focusing regarding lake of fun
activities
Use synonyms
 so when you manage a schedule to make
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
free time for entertainment
such
Linking Words
 as watching
TVs
Fix the agreement mistake
TV
show examples
 or playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 they will be happier and the ideas will come through their minds. In conclusion, after a careful analysis of both
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
Change preposition
of views
show examples
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
, I personally agree because I believe that TVs and
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are crucial
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that children are easily
to distract
Change the verb form
distracted
show examples
.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 we need as parents to be aware of what TV shows they are watching and what
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 they are playing.
Submitted by elshamrifawaz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Make sure to address all parts of the question and provide balanced arguments for both sides of the issue.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, but the development of ideas could be more structured.
Lexical Resource
Vary the vocabulary and use more precise and appropriate word choices to enhance the expression of ideas.
Grammatical Range
Focus on using a wider range of sentence structures and pay attention to subject-verb agreement and word choice.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • exposure to violence
  • addiction
  • reduced physical activity
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • multitasking skills
  • moderation
  • parental guidance
  • balanced approach
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • sense of community
  • social skills
  • social isolation
  • alternative activities
  • outdoor activities
  • family interaction
  • mental health issues
  • educational programs
  • problem-solving games
What to do next:
Look at other essays: