IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some countries focus on health care and education benefits while other on infrastructure and employment. Which do you think would be more beneficial for the population? Give specific details and examples to support your opinion.

#countries #focus #health #care #education #infrastructure #employment #population #support
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
health
Use synonyms
 care and
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
show examples
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the most crucial
think
Correct your spelling
thing
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
life
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that great facilities and
occupation
Add a verb
occupation are
occupation were
show examples
 more beneficial for
Use synonyms
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
.
whereas
Linking Words
 I totally believe
within achieve
Change preposition
that achieving
show examples
fit
Add an article
a fit
show examples
 body and
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 level of
education
Use synonyms
 is paramount for
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
also
Linking Words
 it will give big improvement for
people
Use synonyms
 in the future.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine some details reasons and provide
example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
show examples
which is
Verb problem
that
show examples
 relate
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 topic. To
began
Change the form of the verb
begin
show examples
 with, some countries consider that better infrastructure and occupation will give some benefit for
people
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 some reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 public facilities may help
people
Use synonyms
 to
Use synonyms
life
Replace the word
live
show examples
 easier and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of awareness
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
of which like
rebuild
Wrong verb form
rebuilding
show examples
 better
road
Fix the agreement mistake
roads
show examples
 way for remote
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
government
Use synonyms
create
Wrong verb form
created
show examples
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
 programme to more
focus
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
included
Wrong verb form
including
show examples
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 enough electricity for
their
Change the word
the
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in remote
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
. Another
reasons
Replace the adjective
reason
show examples
 is to put more
focus
Use synonyms
 on employment
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 may reduce the number of
unemployment
Replace the word
unemployed
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in the country. Albeit, we cannot deny that
this
Linking Words
 condition may only happen if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 and better knowledge.
However
Linking Words
,
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 countries consider that
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
a health
show examples
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 body and
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 quality of
education
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 is the basic points but it is paramount for
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 for some excuse. One of which,
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 have to more
focus
Use synonyms
to provide
Change preposition
on providing
show examples
 better
education
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
 for their youngster.
Linking Words
Finally
Add a comma
Finally,
show examples
 the positive
think
Correct your spelling
thing
show examples
 is,
it
Correct word choice
that it
show examples
 may lead the
government
Use synonyms
 to set up
intellectual
Correct article usage
an intellectual
show examples
 and strong
population
Use synonyms
 as their best foundation to lead the country being well
develop
Replace the word
development
show examples
 countries in the future.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
Add an article
the
show examples
government
Use synonyms
 have to more
focus
Use synonyms
 to consider about what
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 need and which one must more crucial for their
people
Use synonyms
. Both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 and
health
Use synonyms
 of infrastructure and employment
is have
Verb problem
are
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
equal
Change the adjective
equally
show examples
 important and beneficial for nations.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 as a basic skill from them is
health
Use synonyms
 and better knowledge it is the most important for
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
a population
show examples
 without
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
a health
show examples
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 body and better
education
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 may
will
Remove a modal verb
apply
show examples
not survive in
this
Linking Words
 world
as a result
Linking Words
 it will lead the country to total disintegration in the future.
Submitted by musa.nuwa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The logical structure is weak and needs improvement. The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The main points are not well supported.
task achievement
The response to the task is incomplete. The ideas are not fully developed and lack clarity. More specific examples and details are needed to support the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: