IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Establishing good relationships in the workplace is not important, as the primary goal of every person is to focus on work. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#relationships #workplace #person #focus #work
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It is generally claimed that employees should focus on their
job
 duties
while
 building relationships is not crucial.
This
 essay will argue that
although
 doing their
job
 is extremely important, building friendships at the workplace
also
 has its values. On the one hand, focusing on their
job
 can get
people
 to higher places within a company.
For instance
, for employees to become CEOs of companies they might need to show that they can work hard and bring some good values to the business.
Additionally
, trying to be friends with
people
 can take some important time that could be used to enhance work productivity. A good illustration of
this
 is the number of
people
 fired because they are often caught up talking about their personal lives, and
that is
 not what they come to work for.
On the other hand
, relationships are highly important for teamwork and to improve
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
.
For example
, surgeons deal with peoples’ lives,
therefore
, it is imperative that they do an excellent
job
.
However
, they do need a team to back them up
while
 they are working on a patient.
That is
 to say that without teamwork, some jobs would not be possible.
Thus
, the importance of building proper relationships.
Moreover
, research shows that friendships can make the workplace a better environment and increase one’s task achievement.
People
 feel better when they have someone to rely on if ever
need
Correct pronoun usage
need them
show examples
. In conclusion,
to be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
 focused on the
job
 can bring positive aspects to
people
’s careers.
However
, I do believe that they should
also
 be allowed to make friends and forge social connections for a more positive outcome.
Submitted by leandro-vs- on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that you directly address all parts of the essay prompt and provide clear and detailed examples to support your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear logical structure with a well-defined introduction and conclusion. Work on logically connecting your supporting points and ensure that your examples directly support your arguments.
Lexical Resource
Your use of vocabulary is fairly good, but try to incorporate more diverse and precise vocabulary to express your ideas. Additionally, ensure that your word choices are appropriate in the given context.
Grammatical Range
Your use of grammar is generally accurate, but some sentence structures could be more varied and complex. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and the use of articles and prepositions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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