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Band 4

In many countries the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#countries #proportion #people #think #country
The rise of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 of elder
people
 will have
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 or negative effect in a few countries. Some
people
 believe
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 elder
people
 can share
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 experiences
for giving
Change preposition
to give
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advise
Replace the word
advice
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for
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
,
on the other hand
, the country
not
Change the verb form
does not
did not
show examples
 have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proportional human resources in many
field
Change to a plural noun
fields
show examples
 because
over
Change preposition
of
show examples
 population of the older
people
.
Submitted by syah.lian.ju on

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task response
The essay contains some relevant points, but it lacks clear development and relevant examples. Focus on providing more comprehensive and relevant ideas to fully address the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Work on structuring the essay with clear starting and ending points to improve coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
The range of vocabulary and lexical resource in the essay is limited, and the word choices are sometimes awkward. Try to expand your vocabulary and use appropriate terminology to express your ideas more effectively.
grammatical range
The essay contains frequent grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms and sentence structures. Focus on improving your grammatical accuracy to convey your ideas more clearly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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